today seems calm�
warm breezes and flitting winged creatures, hovering.

i complain about reassurement in the shower this morning, about skin on skin�familiarity and wants, the wet, the finger�s stick. i am sad, you see, sad and feeling bad about myself, my reactions�me.

awful to have two people uspet
not so bad when it is not at each other
or at the relationship

but still awful

my TT, you are so careful and dear�you see to your grrlie�s needs, you do, and these efforts are amazing and unselfish�and greatly appreciated, (and hopefully, equally reciprocated�) and yet i complain.

i think i am pathetic to want that connection
of bodies
selfish and weak in my pleading
needing reassurement of that bond
that secret
that us.

it is difficult to see him for two days a week, three evenings�and we are often caught up in the must do�s or the weekend plans, the things that he can only do here and the tasks that i wish for him to accompany me on.

we are busy
so very busy.
and i know that these times will pass and there will be less aggravites (pl?) to deal with�

school over soon, car situation figured out, kitten�s health insured, other cats to the vet, taxed paid, health bills figured, health problems fixed, debt consolidation, new jobs, old jobs�

i know the stress from these things will wax and wane�this is just not one of the waning times.

- - | - - | - - | - - | - - | - -

Last week i was stressed from school, of course, and TT stressed from work (damnyouIndiana), both of us anxious and excited about the new auto � as discussed for the last year and finally (almost whimsicly) decided upon.

we kept saturday plan-less, a time for relaxing drives through nowhere imparticular�a dressed up day�a fancy dinner to celebrate the new car day.

a good day?

after various complications (hysterectomy, checkbook, old tire stuck, running late, etc�)

he signed.and we were there, inside, surrounded by fun and sex and leather, inside bliss. the dealer�s tour of the car was swift (we knew most of what he was describing about buttons and engine stuffs anyhoo) and we were off�

off west through PA, by the huge nuclear reactors, through the corner of Ohio�we were waiting for the crash/smack of another into us, fate scratching up from underneath�but no. we held hands, we smiled and could not believe that it was ours.

was?

well, technically is, but as it is sitting in the service shop of the dealer, it is as good as not. you see, sometime just over the westvirginia border (damnit) she sputtered in third, uphill, good RPM, steady gas�she sputtered and died. we tried again, quickly, for the road was one lane and hugetruckscomingfastohmywhatdowedo!!gogogo!�went 2 min. and she died again.

there we were in the middle of who knows where with no cell reception, outside some creepy members club, brand new four-eeen car�not even ours an hour�not even 50 mi., broke broke broken down.

i cried, i did, i cried because we were so right to expect something like this�and because it was the perfect shitty end to our respective weeks. eventually we drove again (vroom-stall-vroom-stall) just over the westvirginia line (back into penn) and into a gas station with decent reception ...and phoned...and waited.

the flat-bed picked us up
we rode/towed back to the dealer
our dealer (martintheangelonourshoulders) miraculously was there late working on his euro, gave us a new a4 to drive home and put utte in the garage for safe storage until monday.

it worked out well

it is just awful when you spend so much time and effort toward something only to have it fail/break so soon. (discouraging). this stuff took up saturday, and taxes and homework on sunday�so suck.

i dub last weekend - the weekend of suck.

tonight should not be so bad, only some database stuff to work on � my tuesday homework long since completed.

i just want some happy�
some fun and/or excitement

but i suppose if i keep trying, i�ll get there�one foot�two?

funny TT quote from saturday:

do you think it is gauche to keep calling me TT in your journal now that we have one?

and i chortle and guffaw, no, my love, if anyone has a problem, fuck�em.

*smile*