this weekend, instead of the expected and eagerly anticipated weekend of bliss, turned out to be a whirlwind even deeper into depression, anger and misery.

that being said, here is a dream from last night:

i am running behind the lines of an army, my army, the members tired and worn � giving up hope, they are aware both heavy loss and death are imminent. i pick up the rifles of those far gone or dead, wrenching bullets out of rigor fists. i yell to my fellow soldiers that this is no time to rest or to give up, that we must fight and stand our ground.

the battle seems to be set in a large field, enclosed by barbed wire and electric fences, there is no place to back up to, no room, the only way out is forward and death.

i crouch and crawl behind a tree line, toward the end of the ranks i stand to shoot at an officer from the other side � he is ridiculously close. the ammunition we are using are chuck-e-cheese coins (silver with a copper center or vice versa) and unless they hit skin, are useless. the officer i shoot at keeps turning his back away and my shots careen uselessly off of his helmet (which strangely resembles a nazi pith) � i am able to shoot down some of the soldiers around him though, five or six.

as i crawl back down the line for more ammunition the fighting stops, and a voice blares out of a loud speaker,

that is enough for now�we will take a ten minute break and resume our battle on�.

at this point i scream out, WHY???

ahem, we will resume our battle in 8.5 minutes and�

WHY??? We are all on the SAME SIDE, why are we KILLING each other??? WHAT is the POINT??

and i woke up to the alarm, 5:30 am.

i think through this dream and see points about a futile struggle and having to stand for one�s self, not counting on others and perhaps even the chuck-e-cheese coins, worthless anywhere else but the mouse-gamechain, a symbol of my monetary disquiet, for this fake money (or perhaps a symbol of my artistic skills) barely make any change in the situation � at least nothing major.

lately i feel like i am scrabbling�

that could be part of it. i am rushing and struggling and pushing this school project forward�and at this point it makes no sense to even involve my partner in the project, really�no sense at all.

i am gasping for air and sanity

and i feel like i am not being supportive enough of my friends�another night out, and i shrink away from the club. terror and TT, just go with out me and i sleep and sleep until sunday afternoon.

i am afraid.
i am afraid that i am loosing me, and sinking back down into the smooth white limbs of the sad, those comfortable and ever-supportive lips and whispers...it is hopeless and rest and sleep�there is nothing to do but pain�

my TT, will you still be able to find me?
these arms reaching out to you, fingers fists clenching?

my love�such a difficult time�and hopefully temporary�and then gone.

impatiently waits for april 23rd

hell project due date

the end of the end

the beginning of else�

and later, the weekend.