i have noticed as of late that when i am going down into the sad, i have a tendency to pick. i pick on myself, taking a good hard stab at hating the self further. unfortunately this does not just effect me, it also effects my/our relationship. (please reference the last entry if there is any type of uh-clarity associated with this. i am an ass, yes.)

something to work on! is it possible to step back while drowning sad and stop, drop, and think before i actually let the emotional bile out exorcist style? it is not certain this is a possibility. when i run sad, i run fast and anxious - the brain tick tick ticking underneath, around, over and through all thoughts, interweaving strings, branes with hate and frustration. i was noting to myself on monday (a day about an 8/8.5 on the 1-10 sad scale, 10 being dead) the phrases running in the brane background - i hate this. i am so sad. i hate everything. this is unfair. i am miserable. i am jealous. i hate them all. i am ugly. i am worthless. noone loves me. i am alone. i am a fool. i am nothing. etc. it is like having some sort of child prodigy auctioneer stomping their feet and whining nonstop and at high speed into my subconscious. (note: i wrote that first as subcouscous) when i stop everything to give the sad over-branes a break, the under and subconscious breaks free and these horrid thoughts pour in. there is not a minute of rest...there is no stop, no sleep and no sane.

perhaps a parallel sad brane collides with my usual state, creating tiny and numerous synaptic big bangs in my brain? interesting. damn nova string theory programs...tt and i have much to much fun with the public educational channel *grin*

and now...for something Completely Different!: un-meat!
featuring un-beef, un-chicken, un-fish...and my personal favorite, un-ham!

There is a vegan veggie vietnamese food place over in berkeley i tried out for the first time last weekend...woot! do not get me wrong, i eat meat at times and usually find anything vegan a bit tastless - especially pizza, mind (in the bud sense, not etiquette) - but it was time for healthy snack after gymbaree with the evilimp (yay, finally a nick for my trainer/friend) and i thought i would give it a try. uberificant! perhaps next time i'll try one of the un-chicken dishes they list on the menu...

you get the ankles
and i'll get the wrists.
you get the ankles
and i'll get the wrists.

you come down to this.