TMI

i think i may have penis envy...yes.

there were a few dreams over the years concerning sex in which i switched places while i was being fucked - switching from the fuckee to the fucker, so to say. i could feel what it felt like (imagined, of course) and how it effected my body...radiating pulses, coursing.

so easy, so primal, so natural.

perhaps i have penis love because i have pussy hate. no no, not your pussy, mind you, just mine. other grrls are beautiful upside down, they are amazing and individual - they open, they melt...it is lovely.

other grrls are delicious.

i, however, do not feel the same about myself.

perhaps it is my self-loathing being focused on my most intimate feminine parts.
perhaps it is dealing with blood, although blood itself does not phase me.
perhaps it is this dislike that makes me push you away when you go down, to where my love is, makes me lock my legs, entice you with my tongue and hands instead.

i am afraid of how i taste, how i appear...certainly not attractive.
i fear disgusting you.
i fear forcing you into something you abhor.
i am afraid i will fail and disappoint you... i fear letting you try.

i practice, yes, practice at orgasming.
i have been hard at it for five years now (a late bloomer at 25), and have made little progress outside of the tried and true wand/smut combination.
i want to orgasm while you are inside of me, from your hands/teeth, while riding the bus... i want to control being out of control.

hell...i want to at least get to the out of control part.

i have to admit, i am jealous.

i am good at playing the role of the sex kitten, yes, but when do i get to start feeling things...to stop acting?