...my beloved,
do you know when the warm winds come again...
another year will start to pass?...

it is chilly here...and due to the lack of proper heaters anywhere, it tends to creep right into the root of the bones...my blood is cold, my hands feeling tight/pale/sharp.

i am officially now another $30,000 or so in debt

*shudder*spit*screetch*bzzt*
luckily i am not in this alone, no...so strange to have such commitments with the boy without the actual words of commitment. love is lovly, of course, and there are deep deep committed feelings on all sides - we have raised two kittens together, after all - but no vow-age. i believe the need in me for such things is created completely out of a fictional little dream-life me mum planned for me years ago, so why can i not break free of the ideal?

something is wrong, needs to be tweaked - and i am not talking cheeks here. i am all about control lately, which is better than the un - where we live (shared control, of course), the kind of job i choose to have (which has improved lately, yes), what type of education i acquired, the kind of relationship we have (shared...), and lastly i am now in more control of the way i look - coming soon: birthday goddess!

...possibly trying desperately to make up for the control i in no way have of my own thoughts/emotions/mental quirks...?this is a distinct possibility. some things are difficult to force change upon, pro-actively.

my man, who currently grinds his teeth all through the night, is at his doctor appointment at the moment. *wonders what advice he will receive* my boy, sweet man, refuses to make lists of his ailments for to review with doctors...he remembers everything. not i, my friends, this mind forgets everything. i worry, i do, when it comes to matters of personal health...someone must take care, no?

pit pit of worry
oh, endless pit of woe and why
calm thyself down
lay me down to sleep
your warm hands on my thighs
a kitten on my neck

i have one and a half hours of work left today, then to insure the utte, pick the boy up at bart, then dinner - relaxation - a celebration of bellies being filled, then change and gym, then collapse...