it is at times such as this that i seriously consider both seeing a therapist and going back on medication.

this cycle simply should not happen.

as i flip the fuck out i worry and worry and spirals and inward and fighting against the does not help and there is no breathing except for the walls as they close and wrap around me.

i am currently worried about disappointing people that i have not even begun to work with.
i worry about termination,

about being late,
about taking a vacation.

i am terrified to think about how i am getting there every day, the bus being an hour and a half trip�three hours of each day spent shrinking� with them touch touch touching me.

i am scared to shop for cars, afraid of getting something that breaks down and leaves me stranded�tires slipping on the coming winter ice�here is my death, and my death trap.

i am afraid they will fire me when they see my tattoos or piercings.

i am afraid that they lied about mailing me the contract�and that i just resigned from this job for nothing.

i fear going to zig�s house tonight for soup, it seeming like such a social ordeal when in reality i know it will be only an old friend, her husband, myself, their cat and a few fish.

i fear lex coming back from lunch to spy me upset.

i hate these tears at my desk, these cement and cold walls i stare into, the summer heat and sun outside.

i fear failure and disappointment.

i am afraid of going out and seeing people.

i am terrified of being left utterly alone.

i fear your silence�and that you will tire of insanity.

i do not fear lunch, however. mmmthanksbye.