this weekend was shopping�librarian shopping.

hey midge, let�s go get us some of them librarians, yorsh!or shall i say, librarian clothes. there is something exciting, humiliating and quite terrifying about shopping for corporate-like wear. TT and i perused the aisles, sneaking after one another into respective dressing rooms�picking out the sexy amongst the drab, the fine from the frump.

as i tried on these things i shivered, on the point of tears for four hours�anxious and happy and afraid and about to explode or implode�flux.

shopping is difficult for me, years and years of i am sure you do not want to wear that! and honey, i�m going to get you liposuction for your birthday someday are difficult things to bear�mothra, my mother, my own personal hell scrutinizing every inch of my skin as i try on outfits.

this weekend, however, i shopped with my TT�smiling and approving in the dressing room�quite the different experience.

i am 28 now, and still bitter and hateful toward mothra�still my teeth clench at the touch of her cold hands, her yellow breath. over the years i have learned to love myself, to love my curves, my pale skin. this is an ongoing battle for pride and contentment�years�and counting.

at first it was necessity for her to purchase my clothes and such or there was nothing�at first. the past few years i have let her buy me things, expensive things. a punishment? payback?

pleh.
the teeth still bite, her claw hands clasp

it simply is not worth it
even if it amuses me now

this month is a month of love and of new opportunity and of dismissal.

*shrug*

this entry was supposed to be about how idiotic i was to leave all of my money, drivers license, bank card as well as my only credit card in TT�s wallet from shopping and such this weekend...which is now in ohiiiio. *sigh*

i think i need to suck it up and use a purse more often

either that, or bigger pockets!