a new project in the works:

TT and i's email

call me silly, but i am making a large file of our email conversations (what was saved) since the beginning...yet another way that i am documenting TT and i's relationship (this journal being the first.) really, that is want this journal is about, documenting our lives together, as well as my personal feelings/rantings.

silly.

but this is the one...i can feel it. i think it is fun to have our history down, almost from the beginning. i imagine us looking back through the years together, curled up in an afghan in front of a fireplace...and smiling.

i imagine these silly things, i do. it is hard to imagine anything else, a future without him, a life flowing toward a different horizon. it just seems odd.

everytime we fall in love, it is with "the one."
ever notice that?

heh.

only this time it is different, pure...but don't we say such silly things every time? how does one really know? even marriage is fleeting...and can dissolve right before our eyes.

not that i do not long to be that very important and special to someone to have the forever

of course i do...

reading these old emails from last february -- reading is making me emotional. this time last year we were on different sides of the continent, hoping everyday for some togetherness...for an end to the months and months of longing.

interesting, i have him every weekend and still i am not satisified. pleh.

i suppose part of life is wanting...
wanting to change different aspects and parts of our lives.

perhaps it is the desire for difference, in addition to the effort put forth and the suffering involved, which causes improvement -- not only in the self but in one's situation. feeling helpless to change and actually being helpless are two fundamentally different things. so close to death, there was no hope...none at all, or so i thought or convinced myself -- none, except for a single, tiny gossamer thread. it was that that led me here.

at least that is my philosophy...*shrug*

*bounce*