my employee just went out and got everyone here coffee...now that is heart, right there. it is 23degrees outside BEFORE wind-chill...and i have a hot hot cup in my hands, the liquid heat sliding down into my belly -- not to mention the caffeine. this is the boy TT and i will take to dinner soon for to discuss future and consulting and CS stuff. this employee i have worked with here since i started 2.5 yrs. ago -- the only one beside lex. this employee rules.

*shrug*

and he helped me get a little bit ofer the stigma that everyone in a fraternity hates freakypeeps. untrue, i say...just another stereotype. man, i should know better considering people seem to stereotype me a bunch. i get mad, i do, mad or apathetic.

but, i still think these are rare exceptions to the rule...and that it generally sticks.

heh.

everything circling
drawing inward.

edit and edit...

and i sip my coffee and think on my love in his airplane, the immediate and close, the reciprocation.

my darling so sick all weekend, and no doubt infecting everyone on the plane. we wait to hear back from the doctor, we wait and cry and hold each other and whisper. we have stress here, in our relationship, yes. but�it is our own thing, and does not everyone have their own thing going on?

i think i may be selfish wanting care, even a little.

i think i may be sarcastic.

i think i am full of shit,
but mostly i am full of love. what can i do when i give and get back only that it is not enough � what can i do when it just does not matter that i cry and try really hard and that i love? why doesn�t it matter? that smarts, it does, lemon juice in a wound it is.
can love get through walls? are the walls temporary?

and yes i care.

and i suppose all that i can do is wait�? and if not, what to do?

and inward i turn, and emote, and i must concentrate on the TT and getting us better and through�so sick so sick�and so incredibly sad.

there no changes in our near future�no hope of together.

we bought silverware, very nightmarebfxmas, very heavy iron and swirls�and we have blood red curtains for the living room�and and and�but nothing.

what are possessions but just stuff?they cannot hold me or comfort him when he comes home exhausted on fridays. just stuff, and they cannot fill even the tiniest bit of the hole in our relationship.

i get so caught up trying to comfort/fix others and problems that i can almost forget my self, and us.
but there was focus and talks yesterday of available options.

options�all of which either suck or are impossible.

it will be years before we have a full time relationship. imagine that, if you can, being so in love and together on the weekend � and then the death, the little death of monday flights and the numb until friday. we are zombies now, five days out of the week, calling to each other over the distance.

zombies: gang bang, gang bang�

heh. ok, silly and off topic, but i really do not wish to think on this either. i would rather have distraction, yes.

but what is to distract from love? the options center around when we can move and by what means. we need to save for a move (to boston?) or at least watch the economy until there is a break big enough for us to slip through. (slip through again, actually, for he got his current job just before the crash�and just before his old company imploded and unemploy-ded.)

there is also the factor of my impending graduation and loan payments. i have to get a better job, i do, for i cannot afford to pay them on $15,000/yr. , a fine job for a student � and free education � but no job for a graduate with over $40,000 in debt.

do i get a real job in suxburgh? do we move before?

relationship/work options, as seen by moi:

• we move soon after graduation, finishing out our lease for the year and then just going. i�ll worry about a professional job where we go, he secures a job which enables him to live in the same city in which he works. this all depends on the economy, of course, and is mainly not even an option that we can consider.
  estimated time of waiting before together finally (etwbtf): 7 mo.
• we move in 2.5 yrs, enabling me to get a job here and stay at it for long enough to be alright on a resume�2 years i am hoping is long enough. i can pay loans a bit, we can save, we do not have to move our stuff, but�
  etwbtf: 2.5 yrs.
• we move soon after graduation version 2, i get whatever professional job that i can find in new said city and he keeps traveling until something in that city comes up. unfortunately, it would be much easier to move if he got the new job first because of moving expences and who knows in new said job with be IN new said city.
  etwbtf: 7mo. + ??? (insert time enough to heal US economy here)

considering the impossibility of option #1, we�ll either have to wait 2.5 yrs, or take the risky option #3...which is 7mo. + majoreconomychange at least to actually live with each other 7/7 days.
devilsadvocate: well, at least you HAVE weekends�
*shrug*
TT and i are in our own world full of love and pain and so on and forth. yeah. better to lick at the fruit and want want want it all of the time�want to take that bite? i am so very eager�and we�ve been through our whole relationship this way, but i want a bite. i want that freakin juice running down my chin�i want to be full and bursting. i want to be satisfied.

he wants this too, but we are helpless now. together on the weekends is better than together every few months. we progress slowly, we do, but we are stronger than any crisis. we�ll get through 2.5 if we have to, and then we�ll have the bliss.

so yeah, everything sucks hard � and all complaints sent to a dead god go unheard.
*shrug*
we have made our bed, we have.