up until 6am with bootyboi on saturday night�the conversation progressing from man, i just want to peel off those pants to why all of these emotions, we are sitting in the bathroom and i�m sick and feeling so many emotions to do you want to swing with that couple to i am not talking about these things while i am freezing, naked with you on the bathroom floor.

as he sobered up (i had not one dink saturday night) he focused the conversation from him being sexual to sick to emotional to *poking* me about my opinions about the partner swap-o-rama to offers made that evening�and whether we should delve or not. i tried to stay opinion less�so confused am i about such things already. so very fun to do, but i get so confused about the why:

why are we drawn to these things?
why do we attempt something that may, perhaps hurt us in the end?
why why why.

and yet, we do, and will continue�but to what end?

he kept asking me about things and wanting me to talk�and i tried not to, not really knowing what to say and not wanting to say other things at all. when dealing with sexualswap questions i feel like the silly grrlfriend with a past of bad experiences which i would rather just bury�instead of digging them out of the mass grave. i want to remember the fun times, and the excitement of new bodies and intimacies � forget the rest. i cannot even now explain certain feelings and reactions to situations�except with before�s and in past experience�s and he does not have any of those to sympathize or understand from. this is all completely new to him.

why do i want this? (he likes the fun, the sex for sex�s sake, the no-emotional-attachment-necessary aspect. the fuck�and that is all it is for him.) but me? he keeps asking�i cry�i�ve thought about this in-depth for the last few months and have come to no discernable conclusion. i am angry for being cornered�i lash out that i want to feel attractive, i want someone to want to fuck me � to think i am beautiful � to compliment � to need to touch this shell. (perhaps one of the reasons (it certainly makes sense. doesn�t everyone want to feel wanted?), �or perhaps just me linking other un-related relationship concerns.)

he asks me about the new offer of anytime the two of you want to� and *poke* and *prod* and tell me what you think, please tell me� and i finally tell him of my fear that the others want to be with �us� because xtin thinks the TT is a hot hot hottie�but they say nothing about me (am i even cute to them?), nada. and i think of xtin complaining about the other swingcouple with the really fat and oogie husband�and i fear becoming the icky grrlfriend that they put up with.

*sigh*these distinctions need to be made clear, i say�very. i cannot be in a situation where the grrlie is with �us� to be with TT, and i come along as the unfortunate bonus(?). i do not wish to have her boy put up with me for her -- you see -- for me to be in a situation where i am not need/wanted. i just would feel awful about something like that.

�at which point the conversation moved to the whole vacation-and-waking-up-to-them-fooling-around-beside-my-unconscious-self thing. i felt so unwanted by both of them at that point�the trip just an excuse for them to be together�and me there in the way. i felt as if everything i tried to do in a positive manner ended up negative�discounted and dismissed. i felt in the way. �and afterward all i could do was suppress and stifle � after all, are not i the crazygrrl who makes up things? who reads into everything more than i should? and i thought inwardly then as now: shut-up silly bootygrrl, always anxious and wrong about everything. but still, i had no idea what went on that morning -- nothing was the only explanation they gave last month�and i believed.
silly me,
for out of their love for me, my emotions and thoughts were being protected �and oral is certainly not nothing.

�and shock and silence after he told me, the weight of this secret released with his tears and i withdraw further inward, circular and self-depreciating thoughts (�and i believed before, and am surprised and gullible�and of course they did not want you there, silly ugly grrl�and�) the thoughts whirring once again as i kissed away his beautiful tears�no sweet, it is alright, thank you for your honesty, everything is alright�

�and i thought the everything-as-a-couple thing was clear before� and no� and tears. we held each other and discussed�what is being in a relationship � if something was done the evening before when one was there, why not the morning after without one present � why everything has to be out in the open, even if there will be upset � and what it means to share experiences�and boundaries and love and then there was the whole shift to trying something together as a couple means always together�always�

and there was the exact point where we did not understand each other

- where things were not clear, where one cannot know what to expect until it actually happens - where he pushed and pushed me to open, to let it out, everything - where i refused to go before. sex outside the relationship is just sex to him, just fucking, nothing emotional no attachment. this is fine, and mainly how it works and has to be�but when both people in the relationship are not involved, the experience is not shared and the left-out-person is bound to feel out of control and not part of said experience. his reaction was understanding, and he did not see it that way at all, and sobbing please, just don�t leave me and of course i will not, silly. many tissues later, taking turns being upset, we fell into a peaceful sleep�a new level of understanding achieved.

we have a very emotional relationship,
for we�ve been through so much already it is ridiculous
�but we tend to talk everything over as it comes up and help each other thru

on sunday we went over the discussion, bludgeoning it, making sure that we accomplished some key elements�that it was successful. we both agree that it is better to over-discuss something than under�enabling better preparation for future events. i adore talking to him�and we both think that our communication, especially about difficult topics, is wonderful and one of the reasons why our relationship is so strong�unfailing.

i have been thinking lately about a few points to inter/ra-relationship sex0r, and have decided to document them down here for TT and i. (there are probably more or changes that can be made and such, but this is how i feel today, so there *sticks out tongue*)

below, A and B represent a relationship, C (and D) represent people that are brought sexually into said relationship for fun.

to swing without breaking the swing set:

• AB need to be in a strong relationship with excellent communication. this goes for inter-relationship communication as well as being open with C (and D) and vice versa.
• absolute truth and honesty�as simple as that � even if what might be thought/said stops play or causes conflict. if there are secrets kept from the relationship, everything fails.
• three way love cannot work, ever. C (and D) are friends�that is it, if anything else transpires someone leaves.
• C (and D) must be interested in both A and B, as equally as possible.
• ABC(and D) should all be stable enough (with themselves and their situations) to handle said encounter (if there are problems�see point about absolute truth�)
• AB are together in everything done with C (and D)� if it pertains to something sexual, there really are no exceptions�it is a relationship, after all, not an open-relationship � know the distinction between the two.
• AB live separately from C (and D).
• AB have to implicitly trust one another (see points above). heh.

all logical, i think, and essential points to follow.
these things have to be understood, well, and discussed and such...although not rules in any case, but guidelines for happy happy fun. some of them are so obvious i felt silly typing them in. heh.

i think that with every experience (as wonderful or strange as they may be) a couple learns a bit more about their own relationship as well as how they deal with others as a team. swinging is an interesting concept, and a very attractive idea, but also difficult to partake in. people can get hurt, relationships can crumble� it is a risky business. *shrug*

why deal with it?

because believe it or not, it is exciting and fun! heh.

i thought i would document this all down for later, and TT thought a journal posting about it would be a good idea. there is no anger here, no sadness�everything is fine fine and wonderful. *smile* things are good and soon�snow!