last night i dremt:

i am walking through a large, asian store (a large store, not a large asian, mind you). violent is there, as well as fuckboy, picking up this, reading the engrish label on that. violent finds some cheap hibiscus starter plants, and we both pick a few out of a bucket in the cooler.

my right arm aches, and upon turning it over i notice it looks floppy, swollen and dead -- there are three large weeping holes in it...about the size of a pencil eraser. punctures...infected. i feel dizzy and hot, and swooning, i pass out.

that asian store reoccurs in my dreams...
although last time there was a huge moving floor in it.

and then another flash dream...in the ten minutes in which i hit the snooze...

i sneak into a home for the mentally retarded. i have a folder underneath my arm and am looking for a certain person to give it to. the retarded children and adults ask me various questions as i walk through...which i answer with smiles and pats on the head. i find the woman whom i was looking for (curiously enough she is a librarian i used to work for back in college)...and hand her the folder. she is very interested in the contents and asks me where i got it from, for it is hers. i explain that i took it out of an office back at school...an office which i did not realize belonged to her.

odd.

i actually have quite the shallow phobia of retarded, handicapped and disfigured people. i realize this is shallow...but one of those things that paralizes me and throws me into an immediate panic attack. (i have had quite a few horrible experiences with them touching me on the bus and such, following me...perhaps that is the root?)

it is also one of the main reasons why i cannot have children, because i know there are certain things wrong with me and my psyche and i do not wish to birth someone into this world who would unnessarily suffer.

selfish and shallow me

there you have it,
the proverbial cat, bagless.