today, yesterday ...the sad returned.

*shrug*

it is just a part of my life now, like my scarred chest, my two huge kitties, my TT, my past. it effects me no more or less than anything else...i can see mouths moving, i eat sleep and shit, in my morning shower the water does not even touch me...there is nothing clean.

there is something here?

something...

something compromised of the severest hate and the deepest love. there is no millieu. all or nothing and more deep than skin, veins...and deeper still. my rage flicks at the back of every thought...every action taken is an attack.

i lash out with love?

perhaps.

i cannot explain the inner work/bleedings, the ways i am torn, at least three, at every decision...every interaction.

people see my armor and tell me that i am strong, that i am amazing and alive

and i spit.all stars of our own show...everyone's grief is their own, and yes, we all have our own shit going on.

TT is home tonight, and i dislike for him to see me this way. i'll buck/chin up and such as much as i can...there needs to be relaxation this weekend. i need his arms around me...to close my eyes and feel the safe flowing through his pores.

i feel dead.
welcome back to hell.