i deleted the apology i just wrote for my ranting as of yesterday (notice the guestbook everyone�*shrug*) �but deleted, yes -- for this is MY forum for thought, and editing and/or feeling bad about something i have written is just wrong.

frankly, everything i say/think/feel means nothing anyhoo, especially to the one i ranted about. it comes out, like vomit�it is just the way.

�to the question that seemingly most ask when I bring him up in discussion, �why do you even talk to him anymore?� my answers being, �he means well, �is truly an amazing person, amazing writer, genius�� *shrug* i cannot change anything, it is how it is �i get older and free-er�i watch the happenings like some old black and white film without sound. i know that much of my past is my fault, most of it� but there are things that i did not deserve. and amalthea (aka thepalewanandsicklyone) does not deserve his ranting, my sweet and beautiful grrlie, but i am sure that he will lash out in full force with her�stab her with his love and words, cut her up into tiny pieces because she is full of love for me, because i am his x, because fucking him would kill her.

i can only watch�and watch�and worry and love�but i cannot stop it.

i asked my TT the other night if he would leave me if i did not want to be with other people anymore�the answer was no. i suppose it was a tarded question in the first place, but something to ask nonetheless. not a real question, mind you, hypothetical� i do not think that the explorative mindset is squelched�nope. every time a little further from pain.

what causes me to want more than one, the amalthea so beautiful and porcelain? i will never be able to give her what she needs�except the fleeting #9 from my boy -- so confused, he did not know what would make us cry�should he do more/less? �and grrlies licking our selves dry, kissing up tears we have left.

only one moment, one tiny moment after sick all night (damn rum&coke) waking up to them beside me, hands on each other, in each other...in that moment i thought about betrayal...that i did not maTT-er/exist...that i could just not be there...that i was better off for them asleep and sick. awful. unwanted. disgusting. and yes, mr.p, as much as you say move on and get over, i still can feel these things like pins, like teeth. and i was thrown back -- for a moment -- into thinking that i was maybe wrong to trust, i was foolish.

eventually it evaporated and all was mostly well, again, but never the same as on that first night. i explained it to them, and everything was fixed, but that moment stayed with me. still there a bit...but fading. that moment where TT and i were not together, a couple, a team. that moment where i was forgotten?

not forgotten, they tried to wake me, they did. and i am pathetic for even doubting them ever. and i know this,...but the feeling stayed...and i was jealous. but i was so blissfully free from jealousy the first night -- and mostly there after. little tiny pangs, tiny tiny teeth.

perhaps, amalthea, it is not you who lacks self-confidence...but me. perhaps i am so terribly afraid of dissapointment and failure that i am doomed to work really hard at destroying every wonderful thing that i have? and TT tells me that there were no stray thoughts, no doubts in his mind of his love for me...and i know this. my faith, my love, pushed the jealous so far back after that morning that i barely had to deal with it at all.

but i made her cry.

i told her that only a woman would be able to understand her low-self-esteem -- and this was wrong, amalthea, i know� and you will find your boy someday (man, i did not know the thought of being a lesbian would hurt you, i thought it would be fun? mmm grrlies!) i just want you to see that you are so much more than you think! so proud of you dancing all night, chin-up and beautiful, sexy as fuck and sweating confidence (or the pretense of). you are so pretty that way� my boy wanted to throw you down on the bed and fuck you hard, �so did i. hard to get randy when there is so much pain and tears going on though�and guilt that i could not make you feel less lonly...

...but hard not to get randy as well.

*wink*

i am tired, and it is good to be home� my TT off on a plane last night to warsaw, my kitties curled up once more on my lap. exciting to be able to get away for a weekend, and the trip was fun!!

(TT and i's relationship as solid as ever -- hopefuly amalthea feels the same about friendship and such...

(although she is sicky now and i wish i could be there for her))

*frown*

...but so good to be back in my familiar.