head hurts today...and yesterday an all-day headache and off and on fever.

ouch.

thought i was coming down with something, but if i am it is taking its time.

*shrug*

s'ppose it does not help to have the fluctuation of coldhotcoldhot in the library. pleh. this time i'll try alieve, since the motrin, tylenol and tylenol nitetime cold/flu did not seem to kick it.

devildoll: kick it!

anyhoo.

last night the rent picked me up and we went out shopping at kaufmanns...mum's always up for a sale, you know.

bribes...bribes and company

but it was not bad at all...she held her insulting tongue, and i feigned interest.
what a relationship.
parents seem to always wish to update their children on the status of various other family members, tv shows and the items they bought at the grocery/thrift store that week.

as i nod and smile and ask polite questions i wonder why parents are important to us. yes, they reared us and such, but isn't fucking fun? it is not as if my parents put up effort to have a child...i was not planned like the other two. perhaps i represent one of the last few things they did out of love for one another.

*shrug*

but still, ...how do the relatives and soap operas relate to me? i owe them respect? i owe? i have guilt?

i am trying to get past these feelings. i inherantly do not really like these people. sither is an exception, i would never wish to loose her...but the others? do they really know me at all, who i am? how i think? how can they "love" and "care" about me just because i have their precious blood in my veins? if they saw me on the street they would pass me by.

it is that simple.

if i were not raised up as i was, i would not be me...and i really like how i turned out after all of it, but childhood does not necessarily have to be a hell of children poking fun at my name and dishes smacking the walls/raised voices.

some people grow up happy, i really believe that...but we all wish for difference.

hell, i always wanted to go to macdonalds when i was growing up...but no, i always had really good home-cooked food. esthetics are all off when we are young, no?

friends, they are the important ones, no? they are the real/only family we can pick for ourselves. they love us for us, and i love them as well. no strings, no blood (mostly), no guilt...only love and mutual respect.

i am not having children, ...kitties are much cleaner.