worries today.

i fucked up...i really fucked up, and this is bad. i have fears, but i also have faith that this is not going to be a problem, i hope...

this is my letter to TT, i cannot type it out again -- it hurts, and i have library and school work to do today. i also have to not cry.

tears + work = bad.

the letter:

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and last night i worried about you

and me
and us especially.

you sounded so sad on the phone,
but i was not in my correct mind,

a sort of thought vacation,

and realize that i may have been
projecting worries and such into the
tired tone of your voice.

i was annoying you.

i apologize.

but who else would i call?
who else would even care about a silly stoned grrlie and her rambling banter?

and then i felt awful, after the *click*
after your words, "we'll talk about it tomorrow."

and i feared you had decided

you no longer love
you could easily live without.

and i paniked...
not a good state already ...and to panik on top of it all.

i know things are as ok as they possibly can be.

i believe this.

i miss you, and look forward to tonight.

i felt so guilty about calling

getting stoned

hanging out with people without you...

you in that
horrible place.

and i think i made you sad.

*frown*

and that is the furthest thing from my mind,

i love you so tenderly

when i hurt you, i hurt as well.

my love,
you...

return comments appreciated?

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hopefully i am just being tarded and silly about all of this. i am a worry-er...it is in my blood, it clogs my pores and thoughts. (another zeugma!)

i can do nothing else but ruminate on the worst case scenarios. even when life is precious and beautiful, i seem to concentrate on the shit i stepped in on my proverbial walk through the daisies.

i ruin everything i touch?

not everything, and i am beginning to realize that my wonderings are usually false, and worst case rarely happens.

i know this makes me a little sick, but i also know that it would be a lot worse if i did not realize that i was doing it.

i observe and study these thoughts every single freakin day.

i am beginning to be able to accept that i am allowed to smile, be happy, enjoy...everything does not have to crash and burn. it does not have to fail.

for a second last night i saw everything fall apart, utter destruction.

that would really suck.