you, my TT, are at a client site and i am here at my library. nothing abnormal or unusual...just how life is. somehow that just does not seem to click...to make sense today.

mostly people in a relationship live this way, apart while at work and such, mostly. they go home and either greet their other or wait for them to arrive home. it is the way (assuming these people have an other in the first place.)

and so i miss my bootyboi.

even though i go out and play with friends during the week, things are a bit grey or muted. these are pathetic thoughts, and i am alright and can function without, you see -- but it is simply just not the same.

lunch with f0o was fun today -- artichoke dip and grilled cheese sammiches. good food/conversation, but i am still sitting here filled with a sense of longing ...loss.

i am pretty good with the weekend-boy situation, actually. i think it only natural to miss him when he is away.

*shrug*

i am just a bit sad lately, and at the moment a little more. it may have something to do with the short story that i just read, ...one of the roots of the movie AI.

interesting to relate to because of all of the emotions involved -- i hear the movie is heart-wrenchingly sad again and again. all of these emotions that we breathe into animated AI creations. interesting. we put ourselves in their place...how would we feel if we were so lonely and desperately trying to communicate as such.

um. we relate to this, some of us perhaps -- and i know i do -- because we HAVE been through such things growing up. isolation, frustration and the endless wanting to reach out to others. i had my dogs and occationaly merrydeath, but it was nothing like what i have now with f0o, TT, sither ...etc.

i have found my self appologizing to people about who i am and how i introduce my thoughts and feelings about stuff/things. i just pour everything out on the table for others to digest. i do not lie. i do not shield things or safe them away. it is just not who i am.

once i broke that barrier, i never turned back. i have never been shy and mostly crave interaction.

so, ...today i pine, even though f0o is waiting for me to leave the library, to walk me to class, to wait for me to do my presentation, to take the bus home with me to watch a movie and have friend time.

and yet i am terribly sad. what the fuck is wrong with me?

depression/sad/anxiety. one either numbs them away with meds or tries to live with them as they come in waves... i am learning. there have been very few and mild attacks as of late, i think i may be growing.

these things come with time/comfort/space/love.

i still fear the tidal, and i fear TT's reaction to me when they hit.