and today i sign the lease. shit. notice the lack of diary entries about looking for an apartment, for the apartment search has been oddly short, and everything is moving so fast...heart, stop beating so, stop.

scary? yes, a bit.

last night i was doubting things, not my relationship, ...but myself. silly, self-defacing things such as:

. o 0 (you do not deserve such a nice apartment)

. o 0 (you do not deserve such a boy!)

. o 0 (you need to realize that everyone has a place, and you are stepping out of your niche)

silly thoughts i know, but i tend to get a bit harsh when i beat myself up...comes along with the anxiety and sad. *shrug*

i have not called mother back. i actually do not think that i am going to for a while, ...TT and i have other means now, and i would rather just keep her out of it. perhaps this vein of thought will contine, good thought that it is. i would like to have her mostly out of my life, after all, we do not get to pick our parents. (they do not get to pick us either for that matter, try to mould us into what they wish though they may.)

pleh.

so i am nervous about the lease signing that is an hour away, and jittery and such. i think i would feel much better if bootyboi was here with me...the landladee is a bit screwy (oh suzannah!) and i fear her little tricky ways.

note to self: get her to write kitties into the lease.

EEP!