someday in my life there will be a camera, digital, and i too will be able to include pretty pictures.

...and where is that f0o, speaking of pretty, of course? i have called, i have written, i have sent out the wild horses for to drag my grrl back to me...all to no avail. perhaps her corpse will surface, timely.

today will be another "i-do-not-really-want -to-be-here-today -thank-you-very-much" day, with the addition of my worker calling off. not that i have so terribly much to do today, mind you, i just get lonely. (and the crowd of onlookers mechanically tone "aww..." and the click of loading guns).

lonely?

lonely i say. is this something that will change in the near future? methinks yes, for the bootyboi is to be here for real this weekend, with no other home so to speak of. the boy is truly moving to me, thousands of miles. amazing. rightfully so.

but why so amazing? is this the proof of my own importance that i have been waiting for...for so long? is that pathetic? yes. yes. do i not deserve such adoration/devotion? purrhaps...i hope so.

this is all new to me, this feeling loved and special you see. i have felt love before, yes, but was unable to believe in such things...so jaded. the time that i have spent with myself in the past two years has changed certain things, self worth being an important one.

:yoda: still insecure, you are...hmmmm?

and perhaps a little, but never like before, and there is faith now. a faith that i lost when i was about 12 that summer, playing solitare and wondering about god/sin/religion and such. my faith is restored in reality. my faith is in the "we" ...so tangible. so real.

yes.

real.

soon...