step 4 - friends

...and then there were friends of mine. friends who, for the most part, i did not tell until after the fact, after i ran home to mummy. merrydeath was there for me through the whole ordeal, as there for me as she was able to be, her own world as unstable and unforgiving as my own. there was also the presence of another roommate, wilde, who was there for me every day at the hospitals, and pretty much every day that i needed her. they both moved out after a time, not being able to live with my PartnerInCrime, and perhaps with my sadness (i may never know about that part.) when they moved out, i cut myself off. they were the friends i had in boston, and i did not ask them for help, i just pared down my world a bit more until it was just PIC and i at home, vs. the world outside. our home turned into a whirlpool of arguments, tears, and pain. i steered us, along with myself, toward demise...this is where step 5 comes in...

step 5 - love/lust

...my PartnerInCrime and m. yes. where cai i even start? PIC is one of the most amazing people i will ever know. he put up with the daemons that few people, i hope, will ever get to see. he was there for the complete tearing down of my psyche, layer by layer, until the "me" was completely transformed into a pile of exposed nerves, writhing. few, if any, will ever understand how wonderful he was to do that.

most of this degeneration happened before I seduced m and invited her into our abyss. it was me. he was against such things from the very start, worried about my mental state and the stresses that a tri-structured relationship would install. i truly do not know what i was thinking.

did i know that one more stress would cause total shutdown, collapse, ...and force me to change?

i like to think so, although i remember at the time just needing more love, and why not from two as opposed to one. also, i wanted to repay PIC for putting up with all of the horrible-ness that was the "me." two specifics that i remember. the repayment was first and foremost, the extra love an accompanying benefit. odd how my mind works.

the more love thing worked to a certain point, at which i became furiously jealous and crushed by their own, personal love. m had not seen me so sad, and was not willing/able to deal with such things (having to deal with her own). and she broke my heart, took her love away. instead of love x2, now i had 1/2 love, for PIC was very passionate about his love for both of us. i remember lying in bed, listening to them in the next room, listening for breathing and rhythm. everything i was fell apart, what i thought could never worsen, did.

i left. there was nothing else i could do. leave or die. sounds melodramatic and silly, but such was the way.

the other steps happened before m even came into our lives.