step 2 - family trends
...there is something inherently wrong with my DNA, genes, whatever. my uncle was just released from a stay for anxiety at the hospital, and i know my father was hospitalized for anxiety around the time he was in college. everyone in my immediate family has had concerns in association with depression and anxiety, and most likely a few more in my near relatives, although it is unknown to me as to particular occurrences.
so everyone goes a little bonkers in my family in their mid 20's. this fact was not released to me until after the fact, however, so i was not prepared for the mental onslaught of anxiety attacks and severe depression. there were clues from my sisters and such, but i did not know that it was something that ran in the family...i just thought that perhaps it was an individual thing. it is an individual thing in how one handles the different levels of anxiety/stress/depression in ones life.
step 3 - family support
...when problems began to surface, not little things mind you, but when i committed myself to the mental ward for a few weeks after a pathetic attempt at cutting up my wrists, release,...and then the point at which i was going to try it again, ...there were familial problems to deal with. my psychologist person seemed fixated on "post-traumatic stress disorder" and encouraged me to tell her about everything i could remember from my childhood, esp. anything that could be construed as damaging to my psyche. she honed in on a certain occurrence which happened, but was harmless (i still think no one in my family even believes me that it happened except for dad and i) ...and proceeded to tear my family apart when i needed them most. i was just trying to figure out why i was sad, they all became defensive and i lost the much needed support that i could have had.
this would be one of the reasons why i am a little wary about friends/family talking to psychoanalysts. i realize not all people are the same and such, but i truly believe that this was an awful thing that would not have happened without her coercion and planting of ideas, giving false suggestions to someone in desperate search of reasons for why she was so sad.
parts of my immediate family refused to talk to me, and when they did it was to tell me how much of a liar i was. my father and sither were there for me as much as they could be, but i just kept going deeper into myself. father visited me for x-mas, which was amazing. (i had never felt close to him before that point, and do not now, but for a few months i was able to interact with my father in ways that no one else in my family ever has, esp. not mother.) seeing father did not help very much, people were still not talking to me and i felt so very alone, always. a few days after he left i OD. no real correlation with his visit, just a fact. everything built up too much...
after everything hit the proverbial fan, i went to visit sither in SF, a time of peace and thought. it was at this point when i seriously considered change, or the beginning of change for my life...to save such things.
