step 9 - school

...school was certainly a factor in my sad times. my PartnerInCrime and i used to have long conversations about writing, and poetry, ...and about how a degree from any school in poetry was pretty much useless if one does not wish to teach. our school wanted us to conform, daunting our creativity: "pick your favorite writer and emulate their style, copy them so you can be published." i was crushed.

i was torn between wanting my MFA and thinking that it was a big waste of money and energy. eventually it was impossible to go. i should have at least completed the program, but by that point, i was having a hard time going to work and functioning in general, let alone committing myself to work toward something i no longer believe in.

step 10 - city in general

...perhaps all of this stress started with the move to a new city ...and the general feeling of being out of place. probably an influence, but not a big one in the rocky last year.

when i first got there, there was a general sense of frustration because i wanted to know my way around and such, but after the first year, i was driving around fluidly. after the second year, the anxiety attacks while driving had stopped, and i was able to navigate. by the time things fell apart, however, there was really no place that i wished to go. i did not want to leave the house for any reason, esp. to go to crowded places like the club or movie theatres. bad, bad scene.