i called the mother rent today, as i often do when ill.

backstory:

there is some anger/non-speaking going on between her and i � my opinion being that just because she fucked my dad 28 years ago does not give her the right to be mean, vindictive and spiteful. there is a time for tact, something that my mother just does not understand. she stormed out one day a few weeks ago after i told her this, and i have not heard from her since.

i called her. i told her that i felt horribly about the fact that we just cannot get along, and that i was sorry. her response, i do not know what to say. shortly after we hung up. finis. for some reason she is still going to my concert this sunday. hell.

i did not tell her that i was calling because i was sick.
i did not tell her that i was crying profusely because i was sick.

*smile*

there are things about me that mother is no longer of need to know, my true emotional state being one.

i miss mother�i do. just not this one. i miss the mother that i always needed (and still do) from her. i miss an idea, a wish, a dream of support and love and caring. i miss familial connection.

every day i feel good because i have wonderful friends who support and care for me. i must be content with this. i must learn to stop caring about mother rent.

i have to give up�i just hate the feeling of failure.

today = home sick headache sinus weak tossin' of everything that goes in. i am tired, but have slept too much. soon i will be on the way to the airport, to those arms.

damn traveling.

damnit.

thanks to might for giving this grrlie a smile for xmas.