a dream:

tt, would you like a drink? i stand and speak to him as he sits across from me, head in hands�at a fold up card table in our house. our house seems to be a trailer or boxcar, the rooms run in a straight line, linked together by huge metal hooks�the only doors on the sides, exiting outside to a dirt/gravel path that runs the length of our home. i walk toward where the alcohol is.

no thanks�i think i'll do some coke instead.

huh?!? coke? i know my tt, and coke, either the drug or the drink, is just not something in his daily vocabulary.

he raises up his head, face red and worn with tear streaked cheeks�i've been doing coke for the last five years solid.

*blink* �but, we've been together for three years�i do not understand�

i've been doing it the whole time�i have a problem�i wanted you to know.

i rush to that man, that boy and hold him in my arms as he sobs�we'll get through this�we'll go to therapy, rehab together�everything will be alright�it is going to be ok�do not worry�do not worry�i rock him gently and smooth his tears away with my cheek�darling, it will be alright�

i ask if i can do the coke with him�if i can be with him in this from start to finish. let me do this with you, everything�i ask for a razor blade for to cut and see flashes of tendon and wrist and vessel, bone, but use the blade on the coke and mirror instead. we share this�

afterward we walk out to the back of the boxcar where there is a perfect circle of green grass � as an island � sits among the dirt and gravel backyard. there is a small female child there in a bathing suit, sand pail and shovel in hand, staring out at the gravel, forlorn.

tt sits with her and tells her that it is water, not gravel that she sees, it is just that the water is so clear it is hard to tell. To prove him right i dive off of the side of the "island" into the water�and i hit the ground � hard � ripping my knees and palms on the gravel...to keep the illusion up of being in water i crawl around pretend to swim. she seems satisfied.

i "swim" far out into the "water", arcing wide around the island. i come upon three boxes, toy boxes for toys � jack-in-the-box like without the jack. the first two boxes contain random toys which i hold up, smeared with blood and dirty from my palms, for the child and tt to view. the third box contains another box, a yellow plastic box with a light blue, plastic, bear statue on the top. i open the box and it contains a light blue plastic box with a yellow plastic fox on the top�which contains another box, smaller and the same plastic, yellow with a light blue rabbit on the top.

i start to shake uncontrollably�and to cry�i know what is in the box. i know, but i open it thinking not like this, i wanted it to be different, not in this situation� and the engagement ring winks out between folds of velvet.

i notice the ring is made of soft metal when i pick it up�soft like lead. the tension setting barely holds a ruby, bending with the very warmth of my fingers, scratching and indenting with the lightest brush of my nails. i try it on my finger and it does not fit, too big, and at this point completely bent out of shape and warped.

i just cry and cry, rocking on my knees in the gravel and dirt.

*sigh*

another dream snippet:

tt and i are in utte driving around a bend to the left �we skid right, off of the road and into an adjacent pond�hovering above the water in slow motion before sinking down. tt asks me why the windows are a greenish, tea yellow. i tell him it is the light coming through the water. we should get out of the car before we drown.