Last Night's Dream:

this dream was a school dream...a conglomerate of my three universities. I walked among huge cobblestone buildings and across a massive campus. today was the day to visit might, and i arrive on her doorstep to the greeting from her cherished and most loved boyfriend. might comes out to the porch with tea, and we all sip and chat.

after a few hours it is time for me to be homeward. for some reason i feel intoxicated and stumbly...a feeling which worsens until i reach tt and i's apartment, at which point i collapse on the couch. i close my eyes and sink back into the cushions and let the world spin.

at this point i notice the undersides of my arms...they are red and itchy, rising up in places as welts.

i scratch...i scratch and they break open and weep...i scratch and see what looks like 1/2 dime sized leaves, light green and yellow, surfacing my skin and emerging...i scratch and the leaves remind me of sunflower seeds in the shell, just green and yellow versions. this is strange and i stop scratching to see what happens.

the leaves/shells begin to surface by themselves, slowly and wiggling, pushing out through my skin and muscle. one of the shells, fully surfaced, spreads its wings, changes to a dusty brown grey and flies away as a moth.

this is the point at which i start shrieking, standing now with moths flying out of my forearms, panicking and horrified. tt rushes into the room and tries to calm me, but to no avail. tt holds me and my moth filled arms close to him.

freaky.

side note: might, your boyfriend was not tomwaits. heh.

yesterday i gave my first talk at a conference. yesterday my mother said i looked very pretty...she also called me an executive. mainly yesterday was a good day, mainly. there are always these waves with steep sides, there is frustration and anger, there is love and bitterness. i do not know exactly how to be happy. it seems that when i am it is either fleeting or dream-like. i am to the point where i can actually feel happiness, instead of feeling like it is pretend or imagined...but i quickly forget the happy after it happens. i am unsatisfied and stubborn, i am pushy and indignant.

i am tired.

and...i am beating myself up...a new, but strong friday tradition. trapped in a rut of economic circumstance, i find myself comparable to a weekly emotional yo-yo. it will be good to get out and vacate the next few weeks... i think sometimes i forget just how difficult it really is for us.