last night was sopranos and tt and kitties and love. no one showed up to the movie night last night.

interesting.

messages from friday afternoon are below to remind me that it is alright to feel bad sometimes, for there is lovely support to be had.

an email to tt yesterday from the booty:

the sad is winning today...i think i stepped out of bed on the wrong side.

(funny, it seems the same side i normally step out on.)

i think the source is from feeling awful about being all cunty and hurting your feelings this morning. (not that it is something that i should dwell on, i know) i just hate when it happens.

i've been thinking about drinking tonight,
and then i think that maybe i should not drink if i am sad.

*shrug*

then i try not to think about it -- continue cyclic and downward spiral.

i hate how i think about things and belabor things...this is a HUGE problem for me and it seems that no matter what i do, nothing helps. this is the stuff that breakups are made of -- people getting fed up with the cycle, and in turn...me -- but i feel so helpless as to how to stop it.

i just do not know what to do...i love you so much, so very much...i am so afraid of ruining everything. i am so afraid of making you sad.

fuck, i am just afraid of everything.

no good to get worked up like this, but hard not to...shit.

i am tired of feeling guilty/sorry/stupid all of the time...i am tired of these self-esteem issues, and i am just plain tired.

i just want to free myself from my emotions and hang-ups so i am able to love properly...but i keep getting wrapped up in little things that in themselves are not all that important, but that can build up and build up

into a horrible self-destructive mass golem.

i have five more hours here, and i am physically hurting from this.

must breathe.

last night i was thinking about how it is a fun thing to not actually need therapy, but to wish to go instead -- a want as opposed to a need.

i think i was wrong.

the response from my tt:

*hug*

you. i think that its all just sometimes overwhelming. that we just think/feel too much and need time to calm and deal with everything ( i tend to feal that way on thrs nights, for example but then it goes away by friday afternoon).

and our feelings will interact, for good or bad. not sure how to avoid that, it is part of the deal.

as to what to do to make it better...i do not usually know. drinking, etc to run away from it more than likely will just make things worse.

i think seeing someone is always an option (i dont think its *neccessary* at this point). if you want, i would suggest thinking it over and then perhaps some research as to who you could see, etc. maybe something simple (someone to talk to, with a new point of view) is all that is needed?

/me thinks a fun (and relaxing) weekend will help as well...

*more hugs*

-me