last night there was some sort of dream involving sex. i woke up at the point of penetration -- damn alarm. pleh.

foggy foggy dreams lately, also foggy head.
time to clear out all of the old scar tissue, i say, time to start living in a world without school.

i am numb all over...and giving into vice. unfortunately this also means that little hopes and fears have been leaking out all over the place. i dislike this, i do -- i mean, i *heart* the boy, but pressure and life-complaints are certainly not needed, and help nothing.

it is just that i obcess...i extend those kitten claws and latch on to the safe and secure. school was this way, giving me goals to strive for and levels to attain � something to work toward.

some things, however, cannot be forced

patience is something that we all, i think (and forgive my preachy side), need to learn � and not only learn, but truly live.
patience is not only about waiting, although this is quite the large proportionate � but at times just waiting is too passive. some wait for love, success, employment, happiness, self-esteem�but i believe that such things need a bit of input from the person involved. if you are waiting for something, why not occupy that space/time with self-improvement. stop this wallowing and better yourself, i say.

now all i have to do is take my own advice.

fortunately i am an advocate for making things happen, or working a project through to completion.

unfortunately these things get tricky when there is more than one party involved.

*shrug*

i ended my conversation last night with TT by saying something similar to the point that i was not going to talk to myself anymore and perhaps tomorrow would be better for communication. i was snippy, i was frustrated�i was tired and forgot that i woke him up with my call and that of course that sleepyboi of mine was not going to be all talky in such a circumstance.
when i am grumpy, stoned, drinking, tired, etc. things just leak out. in this case it was the whole silent/shy boy frustration. i have noticed this popping out lately a bit. this silence is not a relationship problem, so to say, it is something that i, myself, need to work on a bit more. my TT is a man of action � he shows his love/lust, he demonstrates his emotions, they become part of his very being. if he is frustrated/sad/happy/blissful one can usually tell just by his body language.

i am trying to work on not needing the words, for although he tells me of his love � and in this i truly believe � he is at times quiet about the whys or reasons or flatteries.

there is nothing wrong with this,
so i cannot help but turn inward
and wonder what is wrong with me and my way of thinking?

i so desperately need accolades and love from others � and this makes me a bit pathetic, i realize, but sometimes i just need to be told that one is proud of me (my mother says this with her mouth, but not her eyes...another thing i have to move on about), or one thinks i�m a cutie (random men at the busstop do not count as much as people i respect)or one feels good about themselves when they are around me (thank you fuckboy, i�ll never forget that bit of flattery).

there are daemons here, there are, and they constantly tear at the thin fabric of that which keeps me sane and happy. some of my dearest friends, most actually, have not seen me despairingly rip/scraping at the edge of the chasm�

(man, i am goth today. pleh.)but it is true. there are some wounds that never heal, there are needed apologies never made, there were times that i was simply the use of this shell, there were horrible things said, things forgiven but the pain remains.

everyone has their own life and problems.

and one may look at my life now and see only the beauty � and it is there, it is. one of my greatest fears is having people i love be angry with me because i am finally and well-deservedly happy (and i have great guilt from such things � i feel awful for being happy) �but quite recently in fact, there is also death and horror and grief.

sometimes i just want to give people the smack down,
i want to scream at them and push them back on their proverbial bed of nails
if you want to hurt yourself or keep getting yourself into situations where getting hurt is unavoidable
do not brag about how it leaves you dry.

for there are two sides to every coin

and mostly, if there is pain or frustration involved, it effects everyone in the situation. people tend to get lost in their emotions and think only about how they feel and how much they hurt

- instead of taking responsibility for their own actions, and pain they themselves may have caused�
- instead of opening their eyes and seeing their own self-destructive patterns�
- instead of seeing that perhaps their friends may want to come to them for support and/or love at times, and that perhaps these friends may feel a little sucked dry and leeched�

these things come with time and maturity, perhaps � or maybe i am just talking out of my butt. i am trying to live by the two sides of the coin way of thought. i try to be considerate and polite, i try to patch that which has ripped, i try not to blame, i try to put myself in their shoes. i try, but at times i also fail. i just hope that i get better with this over time and become a better person with every experience that i go through.

maturity has nothing to do with age, you know,
it has to do with growth and awarenessi have friends around my age or younger who�s maturity and levels of good thoughts completely surpass my oldest sister who still plays the let�s stab the other sisters behind their backs by using mother as a vehicle game.

this rant has no point, and seemingly no end�i just wanted to see where my thoughts would go. i did not even get into my frustration of the day -- that bitch on the bus who was smacking my head with her bookbag.

heh.