happy introspection day.

i know that entry probably got a little preachy,
but i have a bunch of things to work out with myself and way of thought � after all, to no longer grow is to die? yes?

i am not as good a person as i'd like to be, i have lied, coveted, stolen, lashed-out...i have obsessed. i have blamed people for thinks they could not help, i have blamed myself for other people�s inadequacies. i get judgmental (see prior sentence) and frustrated...i get things mixed up and all out of proportion.

perhaps that entry was about you?

you think?

perhaps everything is about you? you you you!

you�re so vain
you probably think this song is about you

perhaps it was about me�and how i loathe everything.

perhaps it is about self-contradiction.

if you are going to beat-up yourself and think it was about you�well, go ahead. if it makes you angry, maybe it should.

perhaps i should think more on how i should be better�and probably, if you are a smart little cookie, you�ll do a little introspection yourself.

i am tired�

i am so tired and there are so many conflicts,
and i can do nothing but ride the wave.

today i am feeling numb, disconnected and a bit confused. everything i try to understand and focus on disappears, dissipates and folds back into itself again, again.

i am wondering what it means to be a friend, how much to give and what i need to keep back for myself.

i am feeling husky, not as in that sexy -and -low -raspy -voice kind of way, but as in a shell, a no longer needed covering for that which is the seed. i think i may have lost my seed, this being a metaphor for my life purpose for spelling-out sake.

this seed � what is it, really? i think, at this point in my life, the seed should be self-fulfillment and enjoyment. i want to share this with my TT, but i realize � even though it may not seem so � that this seed is neither marriage nor our relationship, although it is intrinsically related.

the seed is myself, and my own. the seed grows through my own personal enlightenment and through expression (art, voice, dance). it is perhaps coming time to plant the seed somewhere more stable in life�students, at least in relation to me, have their seeds in suspended animation of sorts, canopic jars, formaldehyde � no, more like a solution which keeps the seed fertile and works on something more from the inside than out�suspended.

i am now eager to plant.

shame on me, and TT i am sorry for my relentlessness.i have forgotten that i need some roots and some sun (ick) so to say. i have the nurturing environment, almost�first the job, the self-stability. then perhaps i can grow and grow my leaves and branches, �or something.

mind you, this is not a child metaphor
i am still strongly for zer0 population growth in my case

my metaphor is silly. it is.

*shrug*

but, it is mine.