i am under the impression that the people running the deli hate me. i go in there every day and they are nice to me - but it does not seem as sincere as with the other people who go in. they treat me subtly different, as does the bus driver, the clerk in walgreens, my co-workers, etc. why does this matter? my paranoia is coming back this week full force, my everyone is out to get me and self-loathing feelings. *sigh*

of course knowing how incredibly gullible i am, of course it was too good to be true. supposedly the body takes a few weeks to get used to a new chemistry, then you have to up up up until the body is unable to re-adjust to the medication. crap. i knew that, but was trying to have faith and ignore. i am so disappointed in myself for not preparing for the piano.

rrr.

i have left a message, but i doubt there will be any relief for this weekend and it is back to the usual hubub of having a sad undertone/veil surrounding everything. dang, it was so interesting and fun to actually like myself and enjoy being alive. crap.

looks like i will be a shy/pouty hot geisha on saturday night at the costume party/Devo concert, and not a self-confident one.

nothing is easy
nothing
ever