i want to be all alone
to be all alone
leave me all alone
absolutely

sometimes i don't know what i prefer to be
(that's all that i can see...)

when i am stressed, i am numb.

when i am numb, i am sad.

when i am sad, there is no reasoning.

gorillagrrl at work seems to think that the numb/empty will dissipate when my tt is back with me and we are in each others arms. i tend to disagree. the man is happy and joy and love, but the sad is historical, timeless and without bound.

i have not written lately. it is hard to...hard to express feelings that i cannot feel...hard to think thoughts what whirr, buzz and click. i feel a need to write about this move, but when i try to think about wheat i may write, i either loose my drive, my train, or decide watching a movie may be better...a distraction.

the last six months have been adapting to a new job...the next six months will be the same thing, once i obtain new employ in frisco, that is. terror and elation mix into an interesting drink...but something hard to stomach, keep down. we are moving in ten days, and do not yet know where we will live, or how to afford what we choose, uni-income. uno!

we had an amazing bout of goodbye-snow these past months, last sunday topping it all off with a foot or so. utte, little tart that she is, loved the ride...as always. this is a happy thing. on sunday i went out driving. i see now why tt would go out driving for to calm himself when in CA, searching and applying and again, again...striving for a way to get back to suxburgh and to me, and us, and love. now that school is over, mistress that i am, the search continues.

what will happen when there is no planning left? when there is peace and comfort and dinner across from one another every evening? will we survive the long look into each other's eyes? this is something new...something that has only failed before.

an irrational fear

yes, this is true...irrational, but something i feel none the less.

i am tired and terrified and nothing makes sense. i run my fingers over the holes in the plaster, the nails all gone. it is so cold in the evening, yes...shroud snow, the planters out in the yard as tiny ritual mounds.

certainly there is something to say about a warm kitten curled up under the blankets and against one's belly, hot tea cooling with conversation, toasted pita with lamb, sither's welcome package planning, peruvian rice.

these things, and thursdays, are comfort...in a month everything in this life will be completely changed.