remember that 20 bucks?
the bill i gave you a few weeks ago to help a mutual friend home in a cab after she tossed it all over the bar (ew)?
remember how it was folded in threes?
do you recall that she stayed instead on the couch...passed out there already when you arrived back with the rest from the bar?

can you possibly recollect finding it later in your pocket - a strangely folded twenty...as the memory dawned i watched you...and i watched you slip it back in your pocket...and wave as you left.

do you remember these things, the feeling of fucking me over? taking my money?
did you savor it? did you laugh to yourself in the cab...how gullible i am...what a dipshit i must be?
do you still think these things when i see you in the halls at work, the thoughts picketing behind your smile?

do you dwell on these things as if proud? a hobby? a game?
do you remember?

i do.

i am slow at making friends here. there are ones i have met that i have much enjoyed spending time with - but i protect and protect and isolate and wrap the comfort tighter around me...and i distance myself from such things.

i am so afraid of being alone...but i am even more afraid of disappointment or dissolution. there is one step and then another...a poke, a jab, a step back, a fan to hide behind.

there is nothing horrible that i cannot see in myself (double negative)...i see few things of worth to share, and even fewer things that anyone would be interested in anyhoo.

topic change.

Food as My Weakness. (thank you littleprince for the list)

What�s the last thing you ate?
mario party dinner was blueberry bagels with mustard, veggie burgers, and sauteed tomatoes and onions with a side of nummy homefries left over from sunday breakfast

What�s your favorite cheese?
my favorite bleu is stilton, then there is st.andre, aged sharp cheddar, anything made with goat's milk and this new cheese we have found which is similar to asiago with cumin seeds...cheese is my crack, and if visiting the cheese store makes me into a whore, so be it, as long as i get my fix.

What�s your favorite fish?
seared fatty tuna steak...with sesame seeds!

What�s your favorite fruit?
nectarine

When, if ever, did you start liking olives?
ever since dress your own chili night in me mum's kitchen...it has been a long and luxurious love affair, i assure you, and i've had all kinds...

When, if ever, did you start liking beer?
with my exposure to homemade and microbrew...so delicious...

When, if ever, did you start liking shellfish?
i had loved lobster to way back when, but have a difficult time eating anything resembling a sea-insect now

What was the best thing your mum/dad/guardian used to make?
thanksgiving dinner. hands down.

What�s the native specialty of your home town?
pierogies with lots of butter, fried onions, sour cream and pepper

What�s your comfort food?
veggie burger bagel with indian pickle and neuf chatel or cheese/mustard/crusty bread/olive oil and vinegar/wine meal

What�s your favorite type of chocolate?
dark, rich, and non-sweet

How do you like your steak?
hot hot filet mignon, on the verge of being burnt on the outside but still pink in the middle

How do you like your burger?
with bleu cheese, sauteed onions and mushrooms, and with cold tomato and pickles, also A1 please

How do you like your eggs?
with the umbilical cords and anything else inconsistent removed. cooked scrambled/hard.

How do you like your potatoes?
fake mashed potatoes are the best, second only to home fries. mostly, when it comes to potatoes, i'll pass.

How do you take your coffee?
black or with vanilla soymilk - i've been drinking tea lately...?

How do you take your tea?
same as coffee

What�s your biscuit or cookie of choice?
i have a weakness for ricecrispytreats...for the holidays i have made them green, with cornflakes and redhots - mmm holly! aside from that any salty cracker will tame the beast

What�s your ideal breakfast?
going to the brunch place over on dwight and sanpablo in berkeley. i die at bacheesos...

What�s your ideal sandwich?
italian hoagie, old school hot with lots of peppers and cheese *tum grumbles*

What�s your ideal pizza (topping and base)?
thanks to the tt i am hooked on anchovies...so: anchovies, capers, garlic, onion, tomatoes, mushrooms, spinach and artichoke hearts. don't skimp either.

What�s your ideal pie (sweet or savory)?
i make a bitchin' pear apple ginger pie - but i *heart* key lime and pecan, although they are usually made a bit too sweet

What�s your ideal salad?
lots of different veggies (baby corn, artichoke, asparagus, peas, broccoli, red peppers, etc.) with no lettuce at all but lots of fakebacon sprinkles for crunch and crumbled bleu cheese and vinegar. mmm! *hungry*

What food do you always like to have in the fridge?
flour tortillas, tofu, tomatoes, variety of cheese, tons of condiments, oj, soymilk, eggs - staples.

What food do you always like to have in the freezer?
bagels, coffee, leftovers for quick dinner!

What food do you always like to have in the cupboard?
salsa, brown/wild rice, beans and beans, lentils, olive oil, vinegar, soy sauce, canned fish, varieties of pasta, and spices upon spices

What spices can you not live without?
garlic, tarragon, basil, mint, cardamom, chili powder, cumin, salt, pepper, etc. - i need to be stocked at all times...why choose favorites?

What sauces can you not live without?
hollandaise sauce...everything else i can improvise without recipe

Where do you buy most of your food?
as much as possible we purchase at the local groceries (produce, beans, etc.), soy milk, juice, veggie burgers, etc. at the superdupermarket

How often do you go food shopping?
1-4 depending on mood/motivation

What�s the most you�ve spent on a single food item?
i am pretty thrifty when it comes to groceries...so i would have to say the most expensive food items must have been wine food. mmm...

What�s the most expensive piece of kitchen equipment you

own(excluding �white goods�)?
i am supposing white goods mean appliances...although they do tend to come in lovely shades of yellow and avocado as well...most of my cooking things i have purchased at thrift stores about 5 years ago...i plan to have a super fine/thick cutting board in the future someday, as well as a wustolf trident knife set...maybe a food processor after that, but really, if you have a fork, spoon, big bowl and a knife or two you should be set if you can cook

What�s the last piece of equipment you bought for your kitchen?
does a french press count? i have not had any new fun kitchen stuffs for a while, nope.

What piece of kitchen equipment could you not live without?
my set of cast iron skillets and griddle - woo! heavy!

How many times a week/month do you cook from raw ingredients?
if i am cooking, it's raw baby.

What�s the last thing you cooked from raw ingredients?
veggie chili - although the beans were dried...

What meats have you eaten besides cow, pig and poultry?
buffalo, deer, rabbit, ostrich... probably cat at some point at a restaurant...0.o...although i hope not...