ugh�still nauseous today. yesterday my lunch left me after the walk through the sun back to work. i suppose today i will not leave the building�and seeing as how i brought nothing for lunch, and probably could not eat it anyway�well, the stomach will eat itself.

by the time i go home tonight it will be cool enough to eat.

rrr.

*kicks summer*
take that, you fuck.

good to have air conditioning at work, yes.

last night there was not much sleep. i think i fell away for about half an hour twice, but that is just about it.
there is a lot of sad going on�and guilt.
i yelled at the havanaslab for laying on top of the fish tank lights�i yelled a bunch because he kept on going up there. every time i caught him up there i just thought about an electrocuted fifteen pound cat floating around in the tank�i saw the open maw, the lolling tongue. i yelled the fifth time, scruffed him�brought him back to the tank and�and�smacked him. i did.

reason number one why booty is not ever having children. yes, i think that is the main one.

i very seldom get angry like that, the kind of anger born out of terror of loss, of death of something one loves. just once before three years ago with havana, and never with any other kitty. havana has a sneaky streak, and is sometimes as pissy as a kitty can be, but he is mostly a wonderful and amazing feline. once he is determined to do something (for instance, escaping out of the apartment to run under the neighbor�s dirt porch...and mingle with the strays), �he becomes stubborn and unyielding. it was one of these situations where he scratched a friend of mine�s eye�.but this is another story, unrelated.

i felt so bad about the fish tank �i cried and cried and called TT and cried more. later, i sat with havana and cried on his paws. he lowered his great head and forgave, and purred.

a big deal?

yes, to me. i know what it is like and i refuse to perpetuate the violence, i am breaking the chain. i still feel horrible and a bit ridiculous.

the three of them kept me company last night when there was no sleep, the eimer tangling herself up in my hair, the freyja bouncing and rolling around on the bed, the havana bulking on my chest�all five hundred thousand pounds stealing my breath. so wonderful to rub my face, cheeks, chin in all of that purring fur.

no kids for me, nope, although the topic seems to be coming up more. i think, perhaps i am just getting to that age. the buffet man asked me yesterday if i had children�wobeastman is in town with her two kids�friends of mine are fostering�people are rooting and settling. i am also having dreams as of late, see yesterday.

there are so many more reasons to refrain from kids�and the thought of such things is nothing for the booty to dwell on.
to each their own, really,
if you want to breed go ahead � just be sure to have the money for a college education for them before you stop taking those pills, be sure you can give them every opportunity and the attention they deserve�be sure you love yourself and are sane enough to raise them to be well rounded...to be healthy in both mind and body.

so horrible to see people have children when they cannot even take care of themselves�to see the trend perpetuate...not to mention the debt.

but these are only the rantings of the booty, and most people do not listen to me anyhoo. i will be and am the best auntie ever, but i prefer to be one step away, one level. i look forward to (and now enjoy) a life of fast cars and freedom�titty bars and good music�youth and independence. i like myself enough not to need a child�s unconditional love�yes�but i also would never trust myself to raise something like that properly.

experiments are much too much fun.

and i refuse to pass these genes on, my mental as well as physical instability -- i mean, who would force those things on an innocent child?

anyhoo,�

i watched sunshine last night. depressing to say the least (not to mention too many children running around and women using pregnancy and their children as a weapons or traps reasons #78 and #647 (yeah, mothera, i know what you did).

somehow they showed ralphfiennes sexing up at least four different women and fully and frontally nude twice�without it being in the least way erotic at all (of course, one of the naked times he was being tortured in a nazi camp�but still). this was one of those movies in which you see the characters situations get worse and worse�one of those grinding teeth kind of films which was about three hours long.

still, i liked it�the documentary was drawing and told quite well. i would recommend it if you can stand ralph playing father and son and grandson and such again and again.

even i was tired�yes.