my dream from a few nights ago...
i wait in hospital, in my doctor's office, for the results of my gynecological exam, everything around me white, clean and covered with crisp paper. i tap my feet against the legs of the examination table, i study the charts on the walls.
the doctor returns with a frown. she tells me that she has some information for me that i may not be prepared for. firstly, i have a tilted uterus, severely tilted. on top of this i am pregnant�3 mo. pregnant. not possible, i just ended my period on wednesday. but true. due to the dysfunctional nature of my uterus (and the fact that i have been solidly on the pill), it is a miracle that i conceived. this is most likely a once in a lifetime chance, but there are other concerns. the amniotic sac has a weakness, a hole, and it is necessary for me to take a prescription for the next two weeks in order to heal the rupture and ensure the safety of my baby.
what if i do not take the prescription?
you will miscarry and your baby will die. this is your only chance.
i, after only the slightest hesitation, decide not to take the prescription.
i leave the doctor's office and make my way to my TT, who happens to be ill and in a hospital across town. the only mode of transportation used in this city is that of bus � huge busses line the streets and weave in and out of traffic. i drive a small white shuttle bus toward my TT's hospital.
this city is hilly, almost cisco-ish, and on one of these extreme elevation hills the engine of my bus stalls and dies. there are large busses in front and behind me, getting off of the road is a must. i pick up my shuttle bus and place it on the sidewalk�abandoning it in order to walk the rest of the way. i must see my TT.
i walk through a series of above ground walkway tunnels in order to reach him. finally i reach his room, which he shares with another man. i crawl into the hospital bed beside him and whisper to him that i am pregnant, but not to worry, i have it covered. there will be no child. we are happy about this.
my sisters arrive with my mother, the two of them picking her up on the way from the airport. the three of them bustle around the room, exclaiming in happy chortles and clucks about the baby and how i will have to prepare for it and care for it and such. i spit out that it is as we speak dying and i will miscarry soon�as a matter of a fact any moment. they yell and scream�horrified.
we are interrupted by the screaming of the man sharing TT's room. it is time, the man is going into labor. doctors rush in with their instruments, feeling his large abdomen, feeling the infant kick. they will need to do a cesarean section (he has no vagina after all). we stare as the man sobs and protests at their explanations of where and how they will cut.
the dream flashes to the first hospital, much later. TT and i hold hands and talk to the doctor. it seems my child as survived after all, now six years old. she stares out at us from the long glass cylinder they are keeping her in. it is four feet in diameter and 12 feet long, propped up on its side by little clear glass feet. there are three other children in there as well, all staring.
the doctor explains to us that she is our child, and supposedly retarded � although it is difficult to tell because she has never spoken. we look at her and see nothing but intelligence behind her eyes. she is slight of build and has elven ears � her dark, shory hair mussed and spiked. our daughter is a pixie?
TT and i whisper to each other about whether we should take her home and keep her or abandon her here.
