tt and i are now the proud owners of a king-size down comforter. unfortunately it is summer in california...and even though it may be a bit chilly (chili! yum!) in the evenings, we still tend to sweat. soon, however it will be fall...and bliss.

our kitty, most darling and dear trooper that she is, is still boasting quite the swollen and rubber-ball infested eye socket. she scratched three great gashes in the skin around her stitches, at which point i dressed her up, yet again, in her little blue elizabethan-collar (not to be confused with hard plastic kitty-cones.) i suppose i deserve to be woken up in the morning at this point with her dancing and yowling...but this morning it was quite unfortunate that it involved smeared poo all over the front of her elizabethan-collar. ew. unfortunate indeed.

all three are out in the backyard now, camouflaged in the shade among the bushes. the direct sun is a bit to hot for their delicate kitty hides...heh. they have been in the house too long, time to toughen up, little hunters. i like it when they eat the bugs they hunt, i do. i give them spiders in the house, but somehow it is not the same.

tt's rents did a sit down with he and his brother this weekend to tell them all about their funeral arrangements (already paid for and such.) so very odd to talk about when we go... my parents just do not have such things together yet - although they are roughly the same age, neither one is ill as is not the case with tts.

when i actually take the time in the morning to do anything other than pigtails to my hair (which seems to be once or twice every two weeks if lucky) i get neato comments, and an occasional smile which when from friends is a comfort - from strangers is down right terrifying.

- but mostly as of late it has been an i feel ugly and hideous time.

i think it may have something to do with being surrounded by short, tiny people all of the time. nothing against the little fairaes (or however else it may be spelled)...but when the number of tiny/skinny women rises in any demographic, it gets more difficult to think good thoughts about one's self (especially when all of the clothing stores around here seem to carry a lot more zero than anything else...and usually do not think about carying my size at all.) i hate being weak...i hate that this is an issue i even have to think about.

this past friday was horrible with regard to the aforementioned topic. tt should not have to deal with this crap, and neither should i. the only solution i see is strength and work and time, none of which i feel i have an abundance of at the moment. i need to work on the psyche - make changes - tweak the good and rip/tear out the bad.

what an annoyance, and not even a real problem. i mean, seriously, if it were, would i not get up off the proverbial ass and do something about it (or does depression keep me in bed more often than not?) i do not fear being alone because of the occasional rapist or accidental i've-fallen-and-can't-get-up moment...i fear being alone because there times when i do not have the energy even to read a book so as to occupy the mind...times when at 4am the mind does not stop and it is oh so comforting to have the back to rest my cheek against...times when i forget all of the good and think only painful thoughts.

it is not that simple.

somehow i just became drunk and did not realize it, damn smirnoff ice and smirnoff black. too damn numalicious. (numbalicious?)