the beginning of another week...the untying and re-tying of various knots and laces. tt has advised me to write a bit more in my journal�it seems i am bubbling over with sad lately � as opposed to brim � so i must agree. this grrl does not like to see that boy cry, which tends to happen when i go down in spirits. the hopeless, yes, it is catching�either that or it is tossed around the room, pin-less grenades, daggers.

you're so vain, i bet you think this song is about you.

i have not been creative as of late. nope. not one bit, unless you count the singing with the biddies � although after years and years i actually sound above water �but there is still quite a bit of room for improvement.

i sighed to my tt that i am sad�and why are we here (not the weekend yet, allowed to spew) and specifically me, as i am not to fulfill my lifetime reasoning and obligation of offspring/parasite baring. i cannot complete this biological role, therefore i fail. that being said let me also add that i do not really care about it all that much and am quite happy doing the opposite.

*shrug*

i figure i am here to create�to sing/dance/paint/draw/cook/sculpt, i am here to move my hands, to make things, to produce and to give out myself into everything i do. very draining? heh.

it was there i made the faux pas of asking tt what do you do? to which his tears were a reply�and you know i don't do anything.

i do not mean for cruelty in this circumstance�i just want to know why everyone is here�what their lives mean to them.

not everyone is creative with their hands�some people think�some people build internally. some people are amazing just for being there and calm and open.

i think.
i think constantly.
i think constantly about everything�every�little�thing.

sometimes this depresses me�and other times i find it a bit funny. i like to watch people develop and move�i like to hug my friends.

everyone else can eat it.

my boss today had a beef with some chick (not funny pun intended), who was of course ruffed and i thought chill�cold as stone and talked her down a bit. most of my talk was about it just being a job and who the fuck cares. get the check, go home and pet the kitties and live your life. chill. i must take my own advice�i must have a mantra.

i think i would rather have a manta ray.