what is it about being angry that makes one want to tear and rip?

what is it about pain that causes one to want to lash out on innocents?

hrm.

sometimes we just wake up angry, methinks.
yes.

as i organized journals today i thought about lex�and excitement. nightgrrl and i have wondered at times about our jealousy. lex pays little attention to us�a good thing, and yet, we are angry and vicious when the laxphilosopher gets so much.

i watch lex with his planned gifts and conversations, if you pitch in for his graduation present, which i have already bought�it can be from the library! you really only have to pitch in a penny� and he flounders and flays. he is a little grrl in spring. he is an avid consumer...a valentine.

*shakes head*

he is also in his fifties and in love with a twenty year old graduate with a grrlfriend -- and they are moving out of the state in a month or so.

i observe� take notes� and anticipate.

and i think back on fifth grade, my feelings and the oh so typical wanting that boy (later to become the quarterback, of course) to look at me, and just a few words. one evening i labored over my nails and hopes � oh to be pretty and glamorous � then they would like me! and glue and files and paint�

a mess, i assure youand the next day a disaster�a laughing taunting horrid disaster.

i remember this�and feel that hatred again�that pure, hot and acid hate.
i am capable of the meticulous and calculated.
do not be surprised if when you touch me you find that there are still edges �rough �prickly and moving strange underneath your fingertips.

i live in my own personal paradise � my TT, our kitties, our life together, our home � but i remember�i remember everything, an emotional quilt of sorts, details woven tendons...patches of skin.

my love for those i hold dear, this passion saves me. everything else�everything else is inconsequential, worthless.

it's really been some welcome�you never seem to change.
a grape to tempt your leisure? � (romantic gestures strange)

my eagle flies tomorrow, it's a game i treasure dear�
to seek the helpless future. my love, at last, i'm here.

take me I'm yours, because dreams are made of this�
forever, there'll be a heaven� in your kiss�