it seems there is a trend for late night trips to the airport as of late - tt and i went to the oakland airport twice yesterday - crazy. what is in it for me? what do i get out of it? ...salvation, camaraderie, the feeling of having done something for someone esle w3hich i preferred not to do but enjoyed doing because i value their friendship. same thing two weeks in a row actually.

*shrug*

karmatically it makes sense in ways, if you consider such things as balance and force - i have so much rage and bad thoughts for the world constantly stirring and chip/chopping away, it seems justified to do good things as much as possible for those i actually care about.

today i am practicing the art of silence - after all, speaking when i wake up in this manner only compounds any and all issues of the moment. i practice patience and quiet... i will tune the balance between sane and sad, fine. fuckboy was on the futon so i snuck in a bit to sleep snuggle, sprinting away before he woke up too much to notice sniffs and shakes, wet on the pillow. it is good to have him here - there are so few people i can turn to in this town, and rarely someone who would listen... or better yet, just snuggle, hold.

i successfully avoided blurting out anything to tt, terrors and cracks so huge i cannot speak coherent/breathe. usually the mouth opens and the sad claws its way out, attacking any and every thought, care, issue in its path. every time i am overcome by the sad i lash out at others, the world, our relationship - all things i would not normally do - but in crazyland, anything is possible.

the silence was good - and i have nothing to feel guilty/horrid about. *bounce*

{rant}if you know you have something to work on, then work on it, whether it be a new lifestyle, better physical health or mental health, your general attitude toward yourself, your lack of artistic inspiration, etc. - do something about it. if you do not try, then shame on you.

if you know you do (or don't do) something which causes someone you are close to pain, then attempt to work on it, ...at least try to change - if you do not, then double shame on you.

complaining and whining and not trying or listening is the stuff of emotional vampires, i cannot help you until you wake the fuck up and smell your own decompository un-actions.

i've pulled myself out of a proverbial tar pit of shit, and away from death. i've changed and will continue to do so... i have to. i am still hurting myself every day, and always. this must stop - and so i continue. i very much respect people for trying - even if they fail ...i have no patience or pity for those who do not. sometimes i do not try...sometimes i loose. this is just the way.{/rant}

...and a rock feels no pain...