in the hallway outside the library it smells like burning wood�a wood-shoppy kind of smell. someone, somewhere is using a mighty big circular saw, methinks.

which reminds me:

zig and i were talking the other day, while driving the utte around fast fast, about the pull of catastrophe. i am wondering if this is a common thing, or just a quirk i would share with few.

pull of catastrophe:

the want, need or indicative feeling toward destruction�something your mind has to consciously disagree with in order to preserve the life of the person and/or the lives of people around them. one may feel this urge to destruct when using power tools, for instance, what if i just cut into my leg? or perhaps when running down a staircase, what if i just lost my footing?

zig feels this pull when standing on the edge of something very high, a cliff for instance�there is a pull to jump.

i feel it most when driving, especially when driving directly beside one of those three-foot high cement barriers�even more-so if there is a turn involved.

does this mean i would hit something on purpose?

more than likely not�

not even that tiny little turn of the wheel to careen across the wildflower separator into the head on�

or the flick of the wrist through the rail to sail down and down over the river�s endless lap�

nope, not even that.

i have had my accident�and although i would never say that it was not a thrill to plane circles out of control, stepping out of katje unmarked�i would say that it was horrible to have three other people (also unmarked) in the auto with me, horrible to have the knowledge that i could have killed them.

resist it, resist the pull toward the abyss,
the constant and seductive call from beneath those waters, from that gaping nothingness.

it is similar, yes, to the pull of insanity. when tottering on the very edge one can feel it licking the heels, caressing those calves�it so wants you to join, to become one, to give yourself over� completely and without looking back.