no sleep again last night - i will keep track here, methinks.

i did dream, briefly:

i am in a grocery store on vacation. i window shop, as i am here with other people shopping, i am here to observe or tag along. i feel on the edge of it all, the four of them close and joking friends - the four of them and i on the outskirts, shyly watching...feeling out of sorts, idiotic, alone.

outside of the market there is a large lily-pad shaped, man-made pool. i offer to photograph the group of them there, after all it is a vacation - they'll want to remember. i do not assume i will be in any of the pictures... neither do they.

in the sky above them there is a shape, a helicopter, military ...and missiles drop from its pregnant belly as i watch it through the camera lens. get down! run! i scream and roll into the bushes just as the missiles connect where we were moments ago, the copter crashing into roughly the middle of the pool, the explosion hot on my face and arms.

shit shit and there is another, and more missiles, this time closer, raising clouds of dust/ash/shard. i cannot hear myself yell - i rise and run toward the copter which crashes again into the pool just beside the heli-carcass. this time the pilots survive, but are momentarily stunned. as i run i reach into my pocket and draw a tiny, pearl handled dueling pistol no larger than the palm of my hand. the pistol shoots poisoned nails which at first bounce off of the soldier's armored chests, but as i learn swiftly from experience, i go for their faces, eyes. the first soldier, the male pilot, slumps over - the second, a female sharpshooter, joins him a moment later after i draw a second pistol to finish the job - they are americans, government, sent to kill their own people. it is not a pretty or efficient kill, i've used up at least twelve rounds, but it is a kill none the less. i have saved the day, for now.

*blinks*

lots of life-elements in this one -

my terror of war and attacks

my hatred of the government forcing it

my fear of never finding friends here, of always feeling disassociated and unwanted

the dueling pistols my mum kept in the piano drawer in the hallway which she returned to her step-sister after her step-mother's death (rrr. so pretty they were.)

the overdue, and needed, trip to the grocery - coming soon!

lilly-pads at the conservatory in golden gate park this weekend

i do enjoy power dreams, however. i, after all, won. much better than the dreams where i am hope/helpless. yes.

merrydeath is here, i have big black chunks in my red red hair, we shall dance tonight at the guild and on saturday we'll celebrate house-warming style.

i am tired already.