i'm glad you're home
i bet you really missed me...
i guess, i can tell by the look in your eyes

sit back, and relax
while i put away the dishes...
then you, and me, can rock-a-bye...

meeting today down in the itepsilonbldg for to demonstrate and present my bigbird library database system. heh. this is a first for me...projektmanagement. it is so strange where the future takes me...i see evenings of wine and the little funky black dress, pot and the balcony above the city, that never-ending thrill of the wind in my hair and his foot on the pedal...together and strong...oh yes.

is it disconcerting that i have met most of my main lifetime goals already? most...

it is a bit strange...but then again, one just creates another goal in the future, a focal point to work toward. i have always been a very goal-oriented individual, moreso as the years pass...the finer the focus.

it is interesting.

i think it terribly interesting, also, that now i am happy...mostly. the sad in our house is not a constant and pressing weight from me.

i no longer cry every day.

how can this be?
is this real?
does this life truly exist?
what is tangible? what is true?

i never thought i was to feel that my smile is not a lie. (double negative, ladies and gents. *bow*)

i claw and grasp at these feelings...holding them so tightly they may choke...holding them so that they will not abandon me. i want i want i want...i want everything and nothing...i need only myself.

i want to be independent and think these things as truly as they sound...but no. i thirst for his love like water...he is sustenance, my food, rest... our relationship is my faith and my religion. my tt is peace and safety and together we twist and writhe through this disgusting horror of a world...but with him this is possible, and even pleasurable.

and yet, i am the fool.
i am the ass who ruins everything by belaboring points, by asking again again, choking and strangling my precious.

it is interesting
that i am aware of this, and yet the thread flows and wraps around my being, becomes an obsession and consumes me.

i create grief where there is none.

i craft problems from the very air.

and yet, i love from the very center of my being, from every tendon and inch...my organs ache and pulse...underneath my thin skin i can feel the blood flowing, my body vibrating and alive and in love.

i think i may be sick,
...exhibiting self-destructive behavior
everything i touch snapping and bleeding under my touch.

perhaps the next step/goal after moving will be therapy again?
someone recently told me that i am one of the few people she knows that actually has good thoughts and their shit together...ducks in a row, so to say -- and i do feel this way, mostly. but i also have streaks of fear and terror at the thought of abandonment...surprise...overwhelment...anxiety.

i like to plan...i plan in advance, precisely. i like to know where and when, how ...why, who. curiosity feeds my level of certainty and comfort...my feeling of being safe...the end result being the alleviation of fear.

i am afraid of living? perhaps. at least at this point it is not a disabling fear.

i have to be more calm...more care free. i need to stop the worry...and i certainly have to not pressure anyone into anything they would not do on their own.

once again it all boils down to the fact that i need to keep my fucking mouth shut, sit back, hands folded on my lap and breathe.

i must practice stoicism and patience.

i'm gonna break his legs off
i'm gonna rip his head off
then i'm gonna shit down his neck
i'm gonna laugh like a motherfucker
i'm gonna laugh like a motherfucker cause i hate her.....i hate her.