there is something about wit that escapes me. today, i have decided that i am not funny, not one bit. i am unable to do the dancing-around-the-topic-and-having-fun-doing-so thing, the smiling and not talking about it. if it pops into my head, i am likely to speak, i am.

i have a problem with being brutal and cruel at times, yes. this i understand, and i keep the mouth stapled as much as i possible.

really, there should not be words

and i cannot lie�not really. ask me what my honest opinion is and you get it. i�ll tell you true how i view the world and down to the last minute pane detail, the last bit of lead.

i have my own inner battles � i constantly work to improve the way i think about things, the way i am. i try my hardest to be a good person.

sometimes the poison drips out the cracks.

i shower every day, feed the kitties and clean their box. sometimes i do not touch them at all and we just stare at each other, sometimes we wrestle. sesha gets brush-lovin every night�the other kitty walks funny, and this makes me terribly sad.

i cook nummy dinners and clean the stove off afterward, but last time i just left it and have not cleaned it yet.

i park the car carefully so the door does not hit the wall. i race the assholes in their shark cars and suvs. i wrecked katje into a guard-rail out of stupidity, but the guy backing up into me in the parking lot was not related, and not my fault. i named the car.

i love with everything deeply, from the spine � i bury the poison and dilute. i tend to get circular over things and make them much bigger than they are�TT is my sanity.

i am trying a new experiment of wearing pretty eyes every day�today i forgot.

i hate myself more than anyone else does, still, but i have also learned to look in the mirror, inside, and smile. at times i pout.

i can be selfish, but mostly i give to the point of empty. i want people to care about my well-being and health, but never really believe that anyone does.

i am so terribly lonely today it is constricting -- and my lovely TT is home this week. much of the time i do not understand why i feel the things that i do, and the time left is spent trying to figure it out.

i only have two more commandments to break.

i complain too much. i punish myself for thinking bad thoughts.

i like to watch while someone plays video games. i like to cheer and point out things for the people playing. i think this may be annoying.

i have talent in mostly everything i try, but i waste it all. sometimes i feel like an incredible failure. sometimes i feel i will never use my potential.

i like kissing the way kitties do, with the cheeks.

as much as i try to accomplish, i feel ultimately powerless and tiny.

i do not use anyone, ever.

my first orgasm was at 25, my first kiss at 13, sex at 17.

i think i am a good friend to have. i would befriend myself. i like to look in the mirror and think, �i�d fuck me.� i do not think that too often.

my hands are artist hands, scarred and chipped, unfeminine. i think i would like manicures.

i cut my own hair and it makes me sad that no one else will. i have cut the hair of mostly everyone i know at least once. there is a lady i know that gives me $20.00 every time i cut her hair. i never ask for it, and sometimes she forgets, which makes me happy.

i am starting to like the way that i dance. i cannot dance to ministry. i miss ballroom dancing. the other night i showed TT some waltzing moves.

i get him for almost two whole weeks this time, almost.

i think i have a propensity to nag. i dislike many things that my mother has become both to me and to herself.

pleh.

enough of that. i am supposing that i could go on all day, reinforcing my lack of ability to write witty diary entries.

*shrug*

i am having thoughts of soup, and of coffee. i am so alone today. everyone is talking to me and i am alone. perhaps that is the difference between being there and being inside, curled up with hands fisted at ears, charred black, stank and empty.