it is colder outside...raining...a light grey drizzle mirroring my thoughts in ways...in ways.

last night little sleep, up until 6am worrying, anxious and circles and circles and circles again...

i forgot to eat yesterday.

...just imagine a shivering nekkid grrl eating cold rice at 4am, hoping that would help her sleep...warm milk...masturbation...

and nothing helped.

i fell asleep just after 6am only to wake at 6:45 for work.

* * *

last night i was worrying about amalthea at chorale practice, and hiding behind my music and trying to not let the tears fall down my cheeks. zig and i ended up having to leave early, pushing her audition up and creating a potentially uncomfortable situation with the conductor (pressing him for time, upsetting him, perhaps even effecting his final decision on whether she could join or not after weeks and weeks of her practicing for it�). but zig understood and we left.

on the way home i bought my first pack of cigarettes in a month�sometimes one just has to put thoughts about quitting aside and give in to one�s vices.

i called amalthea, left messages -- eventually getting the cell. she is so very upset, and as much as i try...she is going to be. she is so very tired...and how could i understand?

how could anyone?but we try to comfort as much as we can.

* * *

and my surgeon does not call...and there is no resolution...no closure. i need to not pay this.