dream last night:

i am being seduced by two inexperienced and geeky boys. i masturbate for them and such...and they are so nervous. i go to the bathroom (my apartment is in an old house with many many rooms). in the bathroom, everything is stopped up and overflowing, the sink the toilet and the tub. the boys were in there before me...and i am frustrated.

the dream shifts to a few friends and i exploring the attic of the house. i am now about twelve years old, my friends are similar ages, a girl and boy (tall and lanky with red hair, ron?). the very top floor of the attic is made of a large balcony which runs around the house. on one side of the balcony there are glassed-in offices, 30-40's style. we creep around in the shadows, afraid that our uncle will not see us from his office. we find an amazingly fast 3-wheeled car and a large shoulder-mounted missile launcher. we borrow these "toys" and go joy-riding around the city, blowing things up.

fun!

one of those dreams that i just have no clue where they came from though.

last night was a good evening. i completed a homework assignment and hung up the glowbats from the bedroom ceiling. all was calm and paced in a comforting way. i slept well, although i woke up naturally at 5am, rrr, and lay in bed staring until 645. it was peaceful though, and i feel rested.

will this peace last? i think not. i think i have upset someone by expressing my feelings...letting them out. i think i will be mis-interpreted, ...t'was no attack, just honest feelings.

i am getting burned for expressing myself in this journal, methinks...but i do not want to edit.

not even for you mr.p...nope
although by his reaction -- and i do admit that i was a bit angry when i wrote that entry a few weeks ago and frustrated by being fucked up by such things still, things that are completly out of my control -- he took it as a personal attack instead of a log of my thoughts/feelings that i am keeping for my own history and record. it was not an attack...for if i wanted to attack i would email or call, not write it in my personal journal...but i suppose he will take it as he may, always looking for an excuse to sever contact... to make me the bad x.

heh.

i am allowed to be bitter sometimes, i am. isn't everyone?

i think i should, perhaps, make this private? but no...nothing here is secret...it is simply a thought and feeling log.

*shrug*

once again torn...