the dream last night:

i am over someone�s house, someone i do not know in reality but in the dream a friendofTT�s. we watch a black and white film with old war scenes and such, together with a few other random guys. the friend knows the person who filmed the film, and introduces me to him�being that he is sitting in the room with us. it is a friendly situation, although i feel slightly uncomfortable since the boys all seem to accidentally touch my back or brush up against my hip as they move about the room getting another drink or a snack or such. i trust them, however, for they are bootyboi�s friends. as my personal space is infringed upon more and more, i start to freak out. at this point the movie is over and a friendofTT�s ushers everyone else out and home.

we are now alone and he makes his move, takes my hands and holds them�looks up and tells me that i am beautiful, and can he just kiss my hands?

i let him out of surprise and flattery, although i do not find him attractive. after he is through with my hands i pick up the cell and call bootyboi, using the excuse of, �oh i forgot to call earlier!� and hoping that the boy will stop. i sit on the edge of a table and talk to my TT. the friendofTT takes no notice and walks up to me, �kisses my neck on the side without the phone, whispers his adoration and love for me in my ear.

i converse with TT, trying to stay calm, but getting excited by the words/actions of the friendofTT. i am torn for my love is on the phone, but the boy with me is so flattering� the boy runs his hands over and up my belly underneath my shirt, pushing me down on my back while i talk, and become more nervous.

i have a memory of a fun weekend where i measured TT�s penis, 9�, and i smile. when the friendofTT goes further and unbuttons my pants, i tell him no, but thank him for his lovely words. i continue talking to my bootyboi on the phone about what we will do when he gets home this weekend, thinking of the lovely 9inches all the while.

woot!

that could have easily turned into a gang bang dream�silly.

zombie:gang bang�gang bang�

�but no.

i wonder where this comes from, as i wonder about all dreams. a few weekends ago at the club TT pulled me close and whispered in my ear that i was so sexy. heh. i asked him why he did not say things like that more often and he replied that he is just not used to being so open with someone�also that such things should be obvious to me and such.

�and i suppose they can be, but does not everyone like to hear it every once and a while? a boost to one�s confidence, an endearment in a love�s ear.

perhaps i just think differently than others? it is possible. i always try to be sure to compliment my friends and TT whenever i see something i like, or read something they wrote that is good, or hear some music that they play that is marvelous. i try�and i do not lie very easily, so i would think that such things are taken to heart.

when i am around bootyboi i exclaim a many thing�and even though he may not feel that he is what i compliment him on, they probably makes him smile to himself when he is away.

in life in general it is hard when one tries their best at something, works really hard, to get no feedback...or worse only criticism. at work lex is very good at expressing how he feels about the effort that i put forth toward the job, giving me liberies and more freedom than others who have held my position in the past. at school there are accolades, even some of my friends let it be known that i am important�and TT does too, as much as he can.

he is working on it, and so am i. i am working on not needing this type of acceptance or compliment from friends/family/loves/etc�but it is a hard thing for me.

why?

perhaps because of all of the awful things i was called when younger, or that i do not feel as if my family is proud of me (my mother especially with her insults).

perhaps i am just still very immature and uncertain.

with my TT actions at times speak louder�his moving from CA for to be here with me, giving me the keys to his most precious possession, trusting me with everything�everything. why the fuck would anyone need more?

i do not know.

i certainly do not need more...but want? yes. but maybe i am selfish...just wanting all of the time. maybe i am a child.

just another of those personal battles i have to have with myself and my psyche. must stand on my own two feet without outside influence, right�? it just makes more sense.

*blink*