tall stompy zipper boots, fuzzy short tiger-stripey skirt, little black tank top...dark eyes and spiked collar.

*all sexy librarian today*

an important day, one of interviewing the third candidate for the part-time evening position in the library -- me being the full-time day grrlie.

very important to see if we can get along, this one being the only person with the exact qualifications...as opposed to the other one i would more like to hire. they must respect me and understand my experience level.

important.

so today is a little test...if they do not like me they will not take the position. if they do, and we are able to have a suitable working relationship, then things will work out.

things like this make me nervous. so many things going on in my life at the moment, no wonder why i broke over the holidays. school finals, projects, papers� car donation stuff� graduate school application� holiday familial obligation� working with new people at work, and of course the normal everyday stresses of my TT not being here during the week and such.

everything is pushing/squeezing me and i feel like closing myself in, bricking my body into some secret catacomb doorway.

quiet. damp. cold. forever.

sither and hoffliebe were here for turkey weekend, and mostly everything was grand. there are eggshells with her around, however, and they all crack a little no matt-er what i do. TT�s family turkey day on thursday � including the 2-3hr. tire-changing fiasco. heh. friday was the big family lasagna night, and even though my garlick bread was well praised, i still felt ill-at-ease. something about family, and me just not feeling that i belong. i feel like a pawn, a monkey � �c�mon, perform for us!!��what the fuck do they care that i am going to graduate soon? that i am in love? that i am happy? who are these people anyway?

*sigh*

and then saturday�all day cooking. i *heart* cooking. stuffing with figs and red bell pepper, baked brie, fresh cranberry dressing. and you know, no matt-er how well i cook the fucking ducks she insults them, my mother � ever the joyful critic. �i�ll just take my duck home and broil it. i�m sure it tastes good honey.� yeah mom, blow.

someday i may grow up enough to not care about her opinion, not care what she stabs my way�someday. i really try, but it still hits home. i want to be away from them, go back up to boston where it is familiar and safe�back to sanfran where TT and i can drive drive drive fast. away� so far away. far enough to keep contact on a semi-monthly basis. far enough to escape the deamon.

�but do we escape?

after all, i bring my mind/thoughts with me.

hard to tell, i just want to burn it all.
burn it �and watch it, smell it melting and dissolving, all of this pent up hate. sometimes i do not think i am such a good person after all�even after all of these good intentions� i just cannot control the hate bubbling up like a wall, drowning me until i become
just
like
them.

...but then again, who am I to judge anyone but myself.