i think one of the most horrible things that can happen to one is the breaking of one's heart. the struggle is internal, painful, wrenching...but usually there are no physical scars (unless in some cases inflicted upon the self for various reasons). insanity is on par with the breaking of hearts...also dealing with death, but today i shall muse on the loss of one that is still alive:

physical deformities and ailments can usually be seen or medically quantified. sadness, on the other hand, has no measure, color, shape or timeframe. it suffocates one, filling the very pores with numbness, taints everything with memories of the past...even thinking hurts.

sadness is something that we all share, but we can never really know or understand how someone else is feeling...even if we have gone through similar circumstances. we try, but can not. ever.

what the hell am i talking about?

regrets? past friendships that have gone awry? loves lost?

...all of the above.

i have lost two amazing friends in the past, my heart dead. it is sad to loose them...they are good people in so many ways, and have changed my life and my way of thinking in so many positive ways (as well as negative). loosing love is much in the same, although I tend to remain friends with my past relations. I appreciate their friendships too much to just let them go all together, �much happier this way.

the two friendships that are gone have been severed quite violently, though. this is what it must be like to have a horrible breakup? perhaps. they could have been lovers�we were that close, our lips connected at times, wandering hands.

mostly it is harly-quinn that I miss�

the other friend i lost was a long time ago, a high school friend, two people that grew/changed so much we disliked what the other had become - she a conservative sports fan, i a blue haired freak. there is no more sadness in this case, only apathy and acceptance. her quote on a visit up to see me in boston helped me see how different we became:if you are so fucking depressed, why don't you go kill yourself? (I had just explained to her everything that was going on and that I was in therapy, taking meds�etc.) and that was it, kaput, easy.

harly-quinn is another story,
our stilted conversations on irc... polite but not really saying anything�anything important like i miss you in my life, I am sorry that I hurt you so horribly, i love you, i forgive you�

we talk around each other, leave the grey spaces grey�bite our lips and plan out every little word we type.

the tearing continues�

it is too new to be just another scar, the holes only a year old. I look to the future and want to see us together over coffee, joking and happy�but something like that seems impossible. my TT is much more wary than i, giving up on the situation long ago when communication was impossible�two bodies, naked and needing - but in the end only finding each other empty and incompatible. apologies and efforts unheard or ignored, pains cutting deeper from memories of the past mixing with the future�old wounds, left to fester. it just could not, did not work out.

to TT it is that simple� add to that horrible accusations made against him by the clowne, and you have a total dismissal of the situation. something not to care about�something to shrug off.

where does this leave me?

torn�but wary as well. i really do not know how do deal with her�what i would do if we were in the same room�if we had to have a conversation. restoring the friendship seems an impossibility. i am with my TT, and truly happy for the first time�

why am I so weak?

why can i not just let it go, like i know i should?

I think it is because I see a little bit of me still there, inside of her�hiding there in a secluded corner having coffee and baguettes with the sad, waiting and hoping for something that will never be able to be�?