a few nights ago the old fear creeped in...rape...someone breaking in...my night terrors. i lay there staring into the dark just wondering what i would do in this pained/more helpless state. would i tell him that i have had an operation? lie and say i had breast cancer for pity? even get a chance to say anything? what if my stitches broke, my chest opened up? would he fuck that too?

anxious thoughts.

irrational thoughts, but still...running at high speeds across the tracks of my train of thought, so to say.

yuk.

i just want to be all healed, and now. doktors say it will be a month (a MONTH? yes...) until the swelling goes down,
until i sleep comfortably,
until i snuggle? grr.

at least i am starting to feel sexual again. last night there were sexual dreams...

we are a group of hookers standing on the street corner, all decked out in vinyl cut a little too low and high, and cheap. people come up for service, and we do...right on the corner with cars going by and people honking. there is a lot of nudity and intercourse...mostly female to female. the males lulling around and interested have a virility contest where a firehose is turned on and pointed at their erections. the contest is to see who can remain erect with large amounts of cold water splashing on them. i realize that i can see too much detail...then realize that their peni are attached to the underside of ironing boards (to protect their faces and bodies from the severe spray?) then...THEN...i realize that there peni(ses) are as large as the ironing boards themselves! huge! and then i am happy, because i am mostly fooling around with the other hookers and do not have to deal with them.

heh.

i will relate the other dream later? perhaps.