i do not remember friday, but TT does. last night he told me of his tears, holding me and crying because there was nothing that he could do to calm me, settle me down.

i can only imagine.

i get horribly upset when the kitties get hurt and such, i have never even had to deal with a boy in the hospital.

sheesh. sometimes i wonder what the fuck is wrong with me. my last 3 boys have had to either deal with surgury or suicide, no wonder my relationships become so emotional and volitile.

but this is the end, i hope. the surgeon was impressed with them -- now to unleash them on the world! [insert diabolical laughter here]. but no.

it is just a curiousity of mine. no wonder i have been so miserable in the past with a life filled with hospitals and quacks.

this time is better. i am happy now -- all i have to do is learn how to accept happiness without fighting it the whole way. hrm.

i think i'll do some art today.