hot and humid...pressure building...pushing, weighing down down.

today i am loosing it...

i am so fucking loosing it.

and over absolutely nothing...that is the part that i hate. i should be able to deal with this crap, i really should...but should just does not cut it.

so i bought tickets to the wedding in vermont. yay. i thought everything was done and fine and good.

Fate: wrong! you loose!

*sigh*

not only was i moronic in purchasing the tickets with my debit card ($456 freakin dollars) which i barely had the $$ in there to cover and 0 until the end of the month...but...

(it gets better, hang in there, hold on to your hats...this is a fun trip into my life and mind during an anxiety attack. fuck.)

but now half of that $$ is potentially going to be an absolute waste and is non-refundable. so now i have just fucked myself hardcore.

i thought i was being good. yeah, try something else freak, cuz you loose.

so many "if only"s it makes me ill. if only we had known about vermont sooner, if only they knew that time was needed off for the wedding sooner, if only the tickets were at least cheaper, if only i bought them on credit, if only if only...

if only i gave up on the whole thing sooner instead of wanting wanting a release/break from my everyday, from school, from work, from alone, everything. i should have known that such a release (2.5 days of vermont heaven) would come with a huge mental/physical/monetary price tag attached with a fucking silver twist-tie.

i want to go home, crawl down and back into a closet...pressed against the wall and deep away from everything.

i just want it to stop,...

...but the whirring continues, and i am crying at work and that is just completly and utterly awful.