last night was all about waking up at 2am and lying there, terrified, in the dark...wondering what woke me up. after about 20 min. of intense listening, hearing the occational floor squeek and other knocking/falling/crashing noises, i ever so quietly made little kitty calling noises. *kiss*kiss* havana...*merowl?* sesha...and they bounded up onto the bed.

and oh! the kitty loving. if they were happy/comfey, then i can be too. they are much too disturbed by strangers to purr or come out...they only let their friends know they are gay.

*snicker*

around 530 i fell back to sleep, and had one of those freaky dreams that involve waking up in your bed and going about doing stuff, but really you are dreaming and still in bed...hard to tell reality. suck. anyhoo, the dream:

i wake up to a loud, crash noise -- startled, but i listen for more noises and there is nothing there. curious, i get out of bed and check around the apartment for the cause of the commotion that woke me. i find nothing, and upon returning back to the bedroom, check one more time out the back window. nothing. i am safe. i turn around to get back into bed...

and there is a large man sitting up on my pillows. i start, i shreik! i focus and breathe a little calmer because i know this guy, someone that is annoying but harmless from channel.

me - what are you doing here?
guy - oh, i just thought that i woud come up for the weekend because, ...y'know, ...you are going to that concert on saturday night, and i thought that,... um, ....we could go together and stuff.
me - i would have liked to have known that you were coming for a visit.

and i walked into the hallway, nervous and pacing. the hallway was strewn with different shapes/sizes of recycle bags, not yet unpacked.

me - as you can see, TT and i just moved in and are not really ready for guests...
guy - no problem, i'll just sleep on the couch...

and i went on and so did he, ...but he would not get the hint ...and i was walking around in a slip for christ's sake! i stood in the bedroom doorway and broke down.

me - you see, look! i am crying now, you have made me cry and this is just awful! and what are you doing here anyway? Why Are You In Our House! HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET IN HERE, WHO ARE YOU, THE EASTEND RAPE-IST?
guy - actually, yes i am.

as he said that he stood up and was much much taller/bigger than me...at this point i was crying/screaming right in his face. i collapsed into his arms, trembling and sobbing out of exasperation.

he did not notice me reaching back to get the pepper spray from beside the bed, ...did not notice the release of the safety. he did not even notice the wicked smile that traveled across my face as i played the femme, trembling and helpless in the fucker's arms.

i woke up with the alarm quite terrified and shaking.
sick.
i hit the snooze and fell back into a quick dream.

in this dream i sit up in bed, shocked that the rape-ist is standing by my dresser in the bedroom. i am nekkid and exposed. the rape-ist is danny devito (try not to laugh). he was all exposed and hairy, only wearing boxers -- tented out. i open my arms/legs and seduce him closer, telling him that i might as well try to enjoy the enevitable. nope, no fighting from me...and this one is also fooled as i reach back for my weapon while he goes down.

*sigh*

i woke up this morning feeling already the victim of something that hopefully will never happen. i am terrified of living right now, scared of the dark, scared to sleep/breathe...clutching at the kitties/sheets for some form of comfort.

fuck you. i am not going to be your fucking victim.

then i thought about if this guy feels like he is a victim, living in a world of so many hips/thighs/breasts...all swaying and inviting and soft...so soft. all of this female and none for him, so he takes it because he is angry, he takes it out of spite.

he takes.

some of us are angry too.