...now i am a little pissy about this whole self-exploration thing -- seeing that i just typed in about 3 pages of data and self introspection into the diary web page, then accidentally loaded some other page...and when i went back. gone. fucking fuckity fuck. rrr. no, now i am typing this in a word document, to paste into the damn html database later. perhaps a good idea, as it will be here for me to think about later and such.

so what drives me to write this out? well, for one thing, i have been thinking about it for almost two years now and have never written a single sentence down about it, even my poetry had been left unsoiled. also, as i watched the news last night, there was a story which reminded me of one of my mostly supressed memories, so i thought through things again a little more.

is it necessary for me to make such an account?
i believe so...for perhaps it will help me work through more, and also perhaps let go a bit further.

TT, perhaps you are right, perhaps circumstances will never arise again in the same way so as to bring about the total break down of self...i hope you are right. i truly do. before i can logify this, however, i need to state for myself, and other interested parties, what those circumstantial factors were. this will strengthen the notion that circumstances weighed heavily on my mind, ...and that perhaps general insanity is a little factor, if one at all.

the saga of factors, or ja's 10 steps to insanity...

i'll put these in a few separate entries so as not to take forever to load...